12 Tips for Taming Your Holiday Vices

How to Indulge Without Excess

By Leonard Felder, Ph.D.

While many of us try to stay healthy, spiritually focused, and free from addictions, the holidays have a tendency to bring on stress, temptation, and triggers that are difficult to ignore. All the partying, merrymaking, and spending can activate the urge to drink, overeat, or spend addictively, just to name a few. If you are someone who tends toward overdoing it, or who is recovering from a serious addiction, rather than risk falling into old, unhealthy patterns, make a decision now to get a grip on the challenges of the season. You deserve to enjoy the holidays, not be unraveled by them.

Read the First Tip on Avoiding Holiday Pitfalls...

Leonard Felder, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and award-winning writer of 11 books that have sold over 1 million copies. His latest book is Fitting In Is Overrated (Sterling, 2008). For more information, visit www.fittinginisoverrated.com.

Reclaim the Spiritual Meaning of the Season

Write down affirmations or guidelines on what you want this holiday season to be about. Use a post-it note or sheet of paper that you put in your wallet so you can look at it daily. Is it about being of service and bringing light into the darkest time of the year, or is it about keeping up with the gift-giving excesses of your neighbors and relatives? Is it about spending quality moments with a few precious loved ones, gathering with those you don't get to see often enough, or is it about over-packing your schedule with obligatory parties, events, and excessive eating and drinking that leave you feeling wasted? Is it about going deeper in your quest for sacred values, or is it about getting numbed out by the focus on materialism?

Be Honest with Yourself

Know your weak spots and be real about the potential for succumbing to addictive urges. Be humble enough to admit that the frenetic holiday time crunch, huge expenses, yearly family tensions, and tempting pressures to overindulge in unhealthy food and drink are going to be a big challenge for your serenity and your health. As part of this humility, it's very helpful to make a mental note, or list the old habits that you've noticed tend to get retriggered during the holiday season, especially regarding overindulging in food, drink, overspending, or trying too hard to be perfect in order to cover up what's really going on for you and your family. The first step toward making things saner this year is to be honest about what's been excessive in previous years.

Set Compassionate Limits for Yourself

Many of us know what we need to do to take better care of ourselves, but we slack off during the holidays. Your vigilance is an act of self-love! Before going to an office party, a holiday family gathering, or any neighborhood gatherings that will be filled with food and drink, take a few moments to strengthen your resolve. You can reflect on your own, or brainstorm with a supportive ally on how to take excellent care of your needs. For example, if being around a lot of food will make you want to eat too much of it, have something light before the party to curb your appetite. If after two drinks you start hanging from chandeliers, plan on having one small drink, or two watered-down beverages. Make holiday gatherings about the people and the connecting, rather than the drinking and eating. You can make each event more meaningful if you savor it--each morsel of food, each drop of liquid refreshment, each moment of connection.

Prepare to Deal with Loneliness

For many, the holidays bring feelings of aloneness. It is not uncommon to feel isolated or to miss loved ones who are no longer with you. Many people find themselves longing for the holidays of yesteryear, when life seemed easier and more joyous. You might be feeling like an outsider during awkward moments at your office party, your family dinner, or even at holiday gatherings with friends. It is important to have a support system in place, whether it is a group, a therapist, or just one good friend or buddy you can reach out to when you feel isolated, set apart, or lonely. Even one compassionate friend or relative with an answering machine can be of great help during this time; you can call to leave a message telling this person exactly how you are feeling. Just speaking it can sometimes set you free. Knowing there is at least one other human being who understands why you feel out-of-step, different, or excluded at this time of year can be extremely healing.

Anticipate Good Surprises

Some people tend to brace themselves for the holiday season instead of embracing it. Keep in mind that you may benefit greatly from consciously opening up your heart and mind for something unexpectedly wonderful to happen! Instead of dwelling on what you don't like about the holidays, shift your focus by making a decision to look for some glimpses of light and hope. This willingness to open up can soothe your nerves and your soul. For example, my wife Linda has a habit of saying a prayer before heading into family functions: "Please God, may we be open to some unexpectedly wonderful moments tonight." Instead of walking in feeling pessimistic and overwhelmed, this allows us to keep our eyes open for any exquisite moments of connection, warmth, closeness, or caring that we would otherwise forget to notice.

Make This Year About Gratitude

Many people overindulge during the holidays because they feel so stressed out and self-conscious about spending time around others. One of the greatest causes is the way people tend to secretly compare themselves to friends and relatives who are richer, thinner, seem to be having an easier time with relationships, or who look as though they've got it all together. There may be a part of you that perceives others to be better than you, and this stimulates feelings of worthlessness. Food, drink, and any number of vices may seem to quell some of that pain, but focusing your thoughts in another direction is more helpful. Rather than letting your anxious mind spend the holiday season coveting, comparing, and calculating who has more on the material plane of existence, take a few moments each day of December to find at least one thing for which you are blessed or grateful. Even the smallest joys of life or the smallest spiritual steps of progress that you've achieved during the year can be celebrated as holy lights in the darkness.

Learn Something Inspiring from Another

Without losing your connection and commitment to your own spiritual or religious traditions, make sure you take a few moments to learn something positive or inspiring from the beliefs and practices of the people around you. There are numerous opportunities during the holiday season to learn more about how others celebrate the search for light and hope during these winter months. You can visit a different holiday celebration in person, or have a deep conversation with a trusted friend, or read in greater detail how other traditions practice this universal quest for meaning and positive direction when the days are short and the light is scarce. Without arguing or trying to compete over whose way is better, this can become a season of mutual respect and bridge-building for the various ways that we human beings create meaning and community even when things look random or bleak.

Create a Sense of Community

Make sure you reach out and connect with any group, friend, or inspiring piece of writing that can help you stay centered during these stressful times. This might mean going to a support group, a meaningful public event, or a 12-step program that reminds you of the strength that comes from sharing your insights with kindred souls. Even if you are traveling far from your home or if you sometimes feel like an outsider in your own extended family, you can create a sense of support and shared strength by going to a meeting in whatever city you happen to find yourself. All it takes is one phone call or looking up local meetings on a website to find a place where good people are creating supportive connections during these stressful weeks.

Give of Yourself

You cannot be focused entirely on your own shortcomings or difficulties if you give of yourself--not just volunteering but looking for an opportunity to truly contribute to others in a way that is meaningful. Is there a friend who needs an ear? Is there a stranger on the street who needs direction, a few dollars, or a kind word? Is there an old friend or colleague who's had a rough year and could use a supportive phone call right now? Is there someone in your family, your workplace, or your neighborhood who's feeling like an outsider at this time of year and needs a visit, a phone call, or an invitation to a warm gathering? If you are far along enough in your own recovery, perhaps you can reach out to others who are just beginning the journey. You never know what kind of miracle can be created when one human reaches out to another with an open heart.

Forgive Yourself and Others

If you do slip for a few minutes or days into some old habits or self-critical feelings, take a moment to forgive yourself for not being perfect. During the holidays, we find temptations around every corner, and it is challenging to stay sober, mindful, and on a spiritual path. If you fall off the wagon and succumb to any vice, appreciate your courage in picking yourself back up. The tendency may be to beat yourself up when it is most important to be gentle and patient with yourself. Then, with compassion and gentleness, take the next step to say no to the urges that are pushing you. If you are hard on yourself, you may tend toward being harsh with others as well. This is a good time to acknowledge that we are all humans doing the best we can with the resources we have and the unique situations we are dealing with.

Keep Growing, One Day at a Time

The holiday season is like a human laboratory for learning how to be joyful without indulging in excesses that have negative side effects. Each day becomes an opportunity to gently take note of what you are discovering about where you are on your spiritual path. For just a few moments each day, take notice of the lessons you are exploring. For some it is owning up to our anger and pain, admitting imperfections. For others it is being more compassionate with yourself and others, and for many it will be learning how to get ourselves back on track.

To be a spiritual person means to keep your eyes open for how to become an even finer vessel in the future. This year's holiday stresses will give you some valuable information--make sure you aren't numbed out by food, drink, or shopping binges so that you can notice and build upon the insights you will be receiving at this often-advertised "most wonderful time of the year."