Learn to Love Yourself

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As a nation, we suffer from a self-love problem. Fortunately, Shannon Kaiser is here to help.

Kaiser is the author of “The Self-Love Experiment,” a guide to removing yourself from the cycle of self-sabotage and fearful thoughts that keep so many of us from loving life. In her book, she gives readers the tools they need to start loving themselves.

We all have things about ourselves that we believe hold us back. Perhaps we struggle with weight, and think it’s keeping us from finding the man or woman of our dreams. Or maybe we don’t think we’re smart enough to make it through that graduate program that stands between us and our dream job.

Whatever that part of us is, we learn to hate it over time. But when you hate part of yourself, you’re hating just that—yourself. You feel unworthy. You become ashamed to be you.

That’s what we need to talk about. You need a way to stop hating yourself and become your own best friend.

There’s no easy answer to this problem. There’s no set of steps that, when taken, will leave you with authentic self-love. There’s only a messy, lengthy, difficult Self-Love Experiment, wherein you figure out your own unique path.

Let’s take a look at a few things Kaiser has to say about her own journey toward self-love—you may just learn a little about loving yourself along the way.

Have Compassion For Yourself

They say familiarity breeds contempt. But think about this: who is the one person in the world you are most familiar with?

That’s right—it’s you.

Kaiser writes that, in her own journey toward self-love, her body was “like a wounded, abandoned child, just trying to survive in the harsh world…but it wasn’t my body’s fault. My body was just a victim of a lack of love.”

Your body does what it can. It doesn’t know you despise it for gaining weight. It just knows that when it gets too many calories, it’s supposed to store them for later.

But then you get mad it. You loathe it for doing what it does naturally. You think angry thoughts about it. And in the end, you end up with contempt for yourself, which makes you more likely to treat your body badly, continuing the cycle.

This is why it’s of utmost importance for you to deliberately practice compassion toward yourself. This begins with forgiveness. Kaiser changed the way she spoke to her body, replacing contempt with kindness. She went on walks and ate better, focusing on healing rather than hating.

It worked.

Being kind to yourself helps you be more in tune with your body rather than being separated from it, and is one of the best things you can do in the quest to learn to love yourself.

Engage in Self-Care

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People love to make fun of those who spend a lot of time on themselves, calling them vain or egotistical. But the truth is this: it’s neither. You deserve some truly fantastic self-care.

If you’re not already taking care of you, it’s time to start now.

“Self-care,” as Kaiser writes, “has nothing to do with what you do, but why you do it.” For some, self-care looks like an awesome beauty routine. For others, it means taking adequate alone-time with a great book and a cup of tea. For still more, it’s a couple of hours at the gym three days a week.

No matter what, though, it must always come from a place of love, and it must help you be both healthy and happy.

So, instead of getting stuck on what you don’t deserve or what you’re doing wrong, focus on giving your Self what it needs.

Make a list of all the activities that help you be your best self—this could be anything from exercise, to education, to cuddling with your cat.

Now, do these things. Prioritize them each day. In doing so, you’ll show an abundance of love to yourself.

Nurture Your Inner Child

Do you know what your inner child needs? Do you know what old hurts he or she carries? If not, then you need to love yourself by taking the time to nurture your inner child.

To do this, Kaiser advocates allowing your inner child to show up more fully in your life. Take note of those old wants—things like joy and play and laughter that we often suppress as adults in our quest to be acceptable to others.

Give in to those wants and needs.

Your inner child can harbor pain, as well. If you’re carrying old wounds, bring those up to the light. Were you once a misunderstood child? Did you lack a social support structure? Did you have a rough home life?

If you did, you’re probably still carrying these things around today, and they can create bad habits. If you take these hurts out of the basement of your mind and seek to heal them through positive actions—self-care, to be precise—you’ll go a long way toward showing yourself the love you desire.

Hold Fast to Dreams

“Once you have truly honored your heart’s pull,” says Kaiser, “you will love yourself.”

There is ages of wisdom in this simple statement. Far too many of us live unexamined lives, simply going about our daily routine. We don’t reach for our dreams, or worse yet, we don’t even realize what those dreams are, having never taken the time to listen to ourselves.

But when we take that time, when we grow intimately acquainted with our own unique natures, we show ourselves love. The very act of reaching for our dreams brings fulfillment—it’s not about material success, but about the pursuit of of what brings us joy.

Kaiser also advocates allowing room for change and growth when it comes to your dreams. Give yourself permission to want something different as time goes on—after all, we all change. What works for you now won’t work for you in ten, twenty, or thirty years.

Listen for the traits which are unique to you, to those things that bring you joy and that you’re great at. You’ll find your dreams there, and pursuing these dreams is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself.

Learn to Let Go

All of us weigh ourselves down with unnecessary baggage—both emotional and physical. Learning to let go of these things is a great expression of self-love.

Kaiser advocates removing “old things that no longer serve you” from your life, and recommends starting by physically cleaning out your car as a symbol of what you’d like to do with the rest of your life.

Here’s an effective and simple test as you go about choosing what to let go. Pick up an item. Examine it. Take it in. Now, ask yourself one important question.

Does this bring you joy?

If not, out it goes. Let it go—release it from your life.

Do the same with habits, patterns, and even those people who weigh you down. Going minimal with your life means cutting out everything but the best, and leaving the refined core of who you are and what you want.

Do this, and you’ll save time and energy, and best of all, you’ll be loving on yourself.

Trust Yourself

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It’s a funny, if unfortunate, thing that many of us will trust others more than we trust our very selves. If you want to show yourself the love you deserve, you’ll need to work toward trusting you.

Kaiser writes that trusting yourself “is about believing in yourself and knowing that you matter.” We talked before about learning to embrace your dreams—trusting yourself is all about believing that you're capable of pursuing those dreams and giving yourself permission to do so.

When you try to do anything from self-care, to goal-setting, to kind self-talk, your inner critic is going to come out of its cave and start berating you. This grumpy little old man is useful when we’re able to selectively listen to him, separating the good advice from the bad. But when we take all of our self-criticism to heart, we stop trusting ourselves. We stop thinking that we are capable.

Place trust in yourself. You can make those plans and achieve your dreams. You can lose that weight by changing your lifestyle. You just can, and trusting yourself to do this is absolutely loving.

Accept Yourself

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“Self-acceptance is joy,” writes Kaiser. It’s about giving yourself permission to “be who you are.”

You can’t pursue your dreams until you accept your passions into your life. You can’t nurture your inner child until you accept him or her. You can’t even begin the process of having compassion for who you are until you learn to accept that person.

The most important part of your own self-love journey lies in this acceptance—everything else is predicated upon it.

This isn’t the same as resignation. When you accept yourself, you’re not giving up on positive change. Instead, you’re simply going to stop judging yourself for perceived inadequacies. You’re going to stop beating yourself up and start affirming yourself.

This is the heart of positive change. Self-acceptance leads to self-love, and self-love leads to a desire for positive change—you’ll do what’s good for yourself out of love rather than doing it out of a sense of inadequacy.

And this makes the journey of life infinitely more pleasant.

You have permission to be you. Embrace that truth, and you’ll take an important step along the path to authentically loving who you are.