1. You are having lunch with your new colonel, talking about the decision paper you wrote. During the conversation, a blonde walks into the dining area and she is so stunning you draw your boss’s attention to her. Having his complete attention, you give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in a motel room. She walks over to the table and introduces herself as the colonel’s daughter. Your next move is:
a. Ask for her hand in marriage.
b. Pretend you’ve forgotten how to speak English.
c. Repeat the conversation to the daughter and hope for the best.

2. You have been tasked to present a briefing to the General. The success of this presentation will mean increasing your authorized manpower slots by 125%. In the middle of the proposal the General leans over to look at your report and spits in your coffee. You:
a. Tell him you prefer your coffee black.
b. Ask him about his recent root canal.
c. Take a leak in his “OUT” box.

3. You are presenting a briefing to a group of 0-6s in the plushest office you’ve ever seen. The hot enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch reacts, creating a severe pressure. Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a most convincing manner, causing three water glasses to shatter and a colonel to pass out. What you should do next is:
a. Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
b. Point out the Chief of Staff and accuse him of the offense.
c. Challenge anyone in the room to do better.

4. You are at a briefing when you suddenly are overcome with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering this is definitely a NO-NO, you:
a. Pretend to wave to someone across the room, and with one fluid motion, bury your finger into your nostril right up to the fourth joint.
b. Get everyone drunk and organize a nose-picking contest with a prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
c. Drop your notes on the floor, and when you bend over to pick them up, blow your nose on your sock.

5. You have just spent the evening with an IG inspector who kept you at the club drinking until lights out. You get home just in time to change and go to work. You stagger into the men’s room and spend the next half hour vomiting. As you are washing up at the sink, your boss walks in, blows cigar smoke in your face and asks you to join him for drinks after work. You:
a. Look him straight in the eye and launch one last convulsive torrent at the front of his Class A uniform.
b. Nail him right in the crotch, banking on the hope he’ll never recognize your green face.
c. Grasp his hand and pump it until he pees in his pants.

By Rod Powers, About.com Guide