Unedited questions submitted via Formspring:
“I have a great girlfriend and we have a good sex life. But I watch porn everyday and I feel ashamed. I’ve tried to stop but after about a week I go back to my old ways. She would be very upset if she found out.”

“I masturbate every day thinking bout my GF, I know its bad when its too much but I am helpless at times because I miss her , what should I do? I am really depressed ? How to control it ? Thank u ….”

These may seem like two different questions, but I post them here because the two are highly related: the morality and immorality of pornography and masturbation (since no one watches porn just to watch it).
Also, both questions deal with seeming addictions off a sexual nature

First and foremost, here is the best way to know if you are addicted to porn, masturbation, or anything else: if it is causing you negative repercussions and you are doing it anyway, then you are addicted.

As for whether or not these things are ‘wrong’, most every religion and culture has some opinion on the matter. The Christian Bible has many verses warning against ‘sexual immorality’, without ever clearly stating what ‘immorality’ is! On the one hand it says things like
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). But, then it has an entire book dedicated to graphically describing sex between two unmarried people…one of which was married to someone else! (The Song of Solomon).

We’ve spoken before about how there is no single ‘correct’ system of morality or immorality; most anything we hold to be absolutely true someone else holds to be absolutely false, so the true benchmark of right and wrong can only be found within the confines of your own mind and heart.

The reality is, Human Beings are sexual creatures, we are born with certain urges and desires that were placed in our hearts by our Creator. It’s possible to believe our own natural urges were placed there by some sort of Adversary or Devil, but to believe that means you believe God is so weak He can’t control His own Creation; something I personally can not accept.

So, then, if it is is normal and natural to feel certain urges which ALL of us experience, then why would safely expressing them in a way that is not hurting us or anyone else, be ‘wrong’? And if even wanting to do something is truly the same as doing it, then all of us are damned in advance; but that just doesn’t seem what God is really like.
Also, notice that anyone who is too adamant about what you should and should not do sexually, probably expects you to do what *they * tell you to do in this and every other area of your life.

The reality is looking at pornography or masturbating are neither good nor bad in and of themselves; like watching football or listening to opera isn’t bad in and of itself. If you begin to mistake either of these activities for what love or sex is really like, then that is a problem; since real sex  and porn sex are basically unrelated. And as we said before, if doing these things are costing you in your real life, in the sense of damaging relationships, missed work or other obligations, etc. then you may need to look into getting some help.

There is one wild card variable in all of this, however: and that is people who are sexual abuse survivors. People who were touched inappropriately as children often grow up to have warped sexual sensibilities that can manifest in unhealthy ways. If you have had something like this in your past and now you are having unhealthy sexual appetites (be it too much, or too little) then you really should seek some sort of professional help.

So, let us look specifically at these two questions specifically:
For the first question, why are you ashamed, and why would she be upset?
Do you have some particular fetish that you think is unusual, or embarrassing? Is it something you can keep private, or do you think you will have to express it inevitably? If you like something that is extremely unusual (I hesitate to use the word perverse) than it may be better to keep it to yourself or stop doing it completely.

Have you tried talking to her about it? Be sure to let her realize you aren’t looking at these things because something is wrong with her, and that it truly isn’t the same as going out and doing it. In my personal relationships coaching experience, most women are at least somewhat open to the idea of pornography, but almost never on the level that men are. This is because sex for men and women are two VASTLY different experiences. Your average woman who caught her man looking at porn would think he’s doing it because something is wrong with her; a man who caught his woman looking at porn would think it’s HOT!

As for the second question:
Give up the idea that it’s ‘too much’; the reality is that it is what it is.
Some guys, especially younger guys, can go many times in a day; so if you have the time, desire and the opportunity, have at it.
The deeper question is, where is this girl and why do you miss her? Is she still your girlfriend and just not around as often as you’d like, or did you break up with her? If your relationship is on the rocks, or if you are currently single holing yourself up in your room self-servicing yourself is not the best way to find a new relationship!

The reality is, sexuality is natural and attempting to repress it will NEVER work for long (just look at all the ‘holy men’ sex scandals in the world).
The goal, then is to find a way to express it in a healthy way that isn’t hurting you or anyone else; what one or more consenting adults do in the privacy of their own homes is their own business.
Whether or not it is ‘wrong’ or not will be debated for eternity.
If someone tries to convince you that it’s wrong, I’d say that they are almost CERTAINLY a hypocrite, and on the off chance they aren’t: tell them if they believe that then don’t look at porn and don’t masturbate. Easy.

It is really no one else’s business what you do and don’t do, AS LONG AS you aren’t hurting yourself or someone else with your behavior.

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

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B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

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Jesus and Buddha  (Interfaith dialog)

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