Question submitted via Formspring:

“My friends say I’m racist because I’m not sexually attracted to certain races. I have friends from all races and treat everyone equally but I’m just not sexually attracted at all to a couple races. Am I subconsciously racist or just have a certain type?”

No, not being attracted to certain types of people does not make you racist…as long as you aren’t thinking thoughts like “I’m not attracted to those people because they are all criminals”; or some sort of negative judgment about all those types of people.   If you truly have friends of all kinds, and don’t automatically lock your doors or grab your purse when certain types of people are nearby, then it’s probably nothing.

Since everyone has things they like and don’t like, yours just happens to break down along racial/ethnic lines.  I know there are things that I don’t like at all; it doesn’t matter how wonderful the person is, if certain things are there (or not there) then there is NO chance of ever having a romantic relationship.  The big distinction is you shouldn’t feel like people with certain skin colors/body types/bank account sizes are ‘less’ than someone else’s, or something like that.  If THAT is happening, then yes you might actually be a little racist/sexist/classicist.

I had a friend who was dating someone who was not their ideal physical type.  My friend kept trying to rationalize that they SHOULD be attracted to this person, but the spark wasn’t there.  Long story short, they wasted a lot of time trying to convince themselves something was there that just wasn’t before they finally broke up.  Imagine what would have happened if they’d waited 20 years to admit it?  What if they’d had children stuck in the middle of it all?  It’s much better to be honest with yourself about what is and is not attractive and acceptable to you, and go with it.

As for what your friends say…it doesn’t matter what they think.  If you know in your heart you’ve got nothing against certain races as human beings, it’s just that they don’t ‘ring your bell’ as it were, you don’t owe them any other explanation.   You are the one that has to spend time with this person, wake up next to them, and maybe spend your life with them; as long as you are happy with your choices (and so is your potential mate), then nothing else matters.

You are great, and I love you!

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B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

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