In a previous essay, I shared, or purported to share, some reflections upon online dating from the perspective of a man.

Before continuing in that same vein, I should make explicit what was only implicit (though, I think, clear enough) in that piece: My perspective is that of a heterosexual man who, as such, sees only women’s profiles.

Another point: Some of these reflections are universal, i.e. they are insights that could be borne out by the experience of both men and women.

One such common experience is that had courtesy of the relative anonymity made possible by the online venue.

I refer to the phenomenon of bad manners.  The ability to continue swiping through what seems like an infinite supply of potential prospects, all of whom appear no more real than any character in a video game, makes it all too easy for most to treat real, flesh-and-blood human beings as if they were, well, characters in a video game.

The stone cold truth of the matter is that most people—not all, but most—are not particularly courageous.  They are not genuinely strong, and aren’t much interested in becoming stronger.  This is evident wherever and whenever we look: Most people behave no differently than any other herd animal inasmuch as they prefer to follow the herd, to go along to get along (2020 underscored this sociological fact in spades).

The refusal to acknowledge the humanity in strangers online is the path of least resistance.  It’s easier than either taking the time to express one’s thoughts civilly and respectfully or just gracefully exiting the scene.

Of course, what I’m describing here is not peculiar to online dating.  It is a universally observed feature of social media as well.  The common denominator, obviously, is the physical distance inherent in the online venue.  Most people—again, certainly not all, but most—effortlessly, and apparently in the face of dead silence on behalf of their conscience, avail themselves of this grand opportunity, this systemic anonymity, to cast all inhibitions to the wind and unleash their inner beasts.

So, what’s a decent person, and, specifically, a decent man to do in the online dating world?

Simple: Reframe and recreate.

Reframe: Every item of information, whether good, bad, indifferent; correct or incorrect; useful or trivial—all inputs are processed within a framework that is the product of the experiences of a person or, more accurately, his perceptions of his experiences.  Frameworks typically exist unnoticed, for they develop over time, subconsciously.

A person may have a history of troubled relationships, or perhaps of rejections, or maybe he hasn’t such a bad history at all.   Whatever the circumstances, and for whatever reasons, he now interprets himself and his interactions with women in terms of the lens of a framework that has undoubtedly been years in the making.   Consequently, he can find himself feeling confused, frustrated, depressed, comprehensively, not good, anytime he has what he takes to be a negative encounter with a woman.

But he can, first, recognize that his is not an unmediated experience with reality as such.  He is relying upon the same framework through which he’s been interpreting his life for a long time. Once, then, he realizes that this framework is an artifact, something that he learned, he can unlearn it.  To put it more positively, he can discard it and learn something new.  He can adopt a new framework.  He can reframe his experiences, both past and present.

And here is where reframing and recreation converge: The logic of reframing one’s experiences leads inexorably to the reframing, or recreating, of one’s very identity.

I am relatively new to the online dating thing.  Nor can I say that my own experiences have been particularly bad or painful (but there’s a reason for that I’ll get into below).  But I know of others, men and women, who have had a brutal time, and I can certainly understand how it is that—given their self-understandings, worldviews, priorities—many, and probably most, people, feel like they’ve been put through the ringer by online dating.

This, however, is all that much more reason for them to reframe and recreate.

Most people (or so it seems) proceed from a position of want.  The focus with which their search begins is on their emptiness, their lack.  They ache desperately (to judge from the overwhelming majority of the women’s profiles that I’ve perused) to find that one person who (they wrongly believe) will complete them.

Their painful awareness of what they lack, and equally painful craving to satisfy that desire leads them to become self-absorbed, exceedingly so.  Undoubtedly, they are oblivious to this.  But this is as unavoidable as is the self-absorption of a person who has been lost at sea and can think of nothing other than of the provisions with which those who may come to his rescue will supply him.  The analogy (like all analogies) is imperfect, but the point here is that when one’s concentration is upon what one is missing from one’s life—even on what one feels one needs—then the self-absorption is inevitable.

This self-absorption becomes glaring, and much more so in the online dating world than in real life, for the former showcases profiles that distill in no more than a few hundred words precisely that which people claim they want or need.  Relatively little, and sometimes nothing at all, is said about what these people ache to give.

For this reason—and you can mark my words on this—they are forever destined to remain single and unhappy.  Yet they are the authors of their own destinies, for, unbeknownst to themselves, they are operating from weakness.

All is not hopeless.  They can reframe and recreate.

How?  For those who are interested, I offer the following tips:

First, and most fundamentally, be strong, not weak.  Work tirelessly, in deed, thought, and feeling, to make yourself into a person who doesn’t lack something that only another person can fill, but who swells with resources, with gifts from God for which you are eternally grateful.  These gifts—which include the will, the passion, and the endless opportunities to develop physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually—a grateful person would like, but certainly feel no need, to share with someone who could become a significant other with gifts of her own to share with you.

In other words, stop seeing yourself as a person in need of “love” by some clone of yours who you have yet to meet.  You must recognize the potential value within yourself and then seek diligently to actualize that value.  This may sound cliché, but it is the truth.

Or we can look at it this way, if you want that badly to connect with the person of your dreams, then make sure that you are someone worthy of being with such a person.  This much is for sure: A person who would presume to place on a finite human being’s shoulders the burden of producing and sustaining her (or his) happiness acts cruelly, for such a burden is intolerable.  It is neither possible nor desirable that the endeavor should even be attempted.

Second, given this last point, while doing online dating, one is well-advised to look for nothing beyond the pleasure that can be had from simply meeting new people.  It is an experience. This doesn’t mean that one is not open to meeting someone with whom one may have a committed relationship eventually.  And it doesn’t mean that one is on a quest for one-night stands.

It simply means that, given one’s own self-confidence and all of the satisfaction that it brings, a person is not disappointed or otherwise frustrated by not meeting Mr. or Ms. Right.  The self-confident, those who know their own worth, appreciate all encounters, even those that others will view as “negative,” because those with self-worth recognize every experience as an opportunity for self-discovery and self-creation.

By reframing one’s self-conception and one’s online dating experience, one can see possibilities that, though they have always existed, were invisible within the old framework.