Today my number one job is to feel good and know that I get to make empowering choices that align with my soul. I know that there is nothing outside of myself that could ever define me and that only I get to choose the story of who I am. Because I am clear on this, I am clear on my purpose and because I am clear on my purpose, I am clear on my desires. What I also know is that we can go our entire lives not ever knowing what our true desires are simply because we don’t know who we are. This was almost the case for me.
It was about 8 years ago that I found myself turning down my third marriage proposal. Yes, I had the opportunity to be married 3 times and I walked away from each one of them. And do you know what I thought my deepest desire was? I thought it was to be married. I couldn’t understand what was happening and I thought something was deeply wrong with me. I was trying so desperately to fit in and follow the path that everyone around me was taking. One of my deepest beliefs was “Once I’m married I will finally feel safe and good enough. I dreaded the question, Why aren’t you married yet? Not because I hated the question, but because I honestly didn’t know how to answer it. How could I say no 3 times to 3 different people when all I wanted was to take that next step, to fit in and to move on with my life?
It all came crashing down on me when I found myself crying on my boyfriend’s bathroom floor praying and desperate for some real answers. I felt completely broken and alone. Why did it feel like I was living my life on automatic replay? It was in that moment that I knew it was not my past experiences, it was not my endless excuses and it was certainly not all of these men that were to blame. I knew in the deepest part of my soul that my circumstances had everything to do with who I was choosing to be and both my soul and all my boyfriends were being the perfect teachers to help bring me back home to remembering who I really was.
As Einstein says, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It was then that I vowed to stop going down the road where I was trying to control my external circumstances and I finally surrendered to turning down a new road of understanding myself in a whole new and amazingly empowering way.
The truth is I didn’t need a husband. What I most needed was to step out of conventional wisdom and into the wisdom of my very own heart. Living this way requires courage and a willingness to step outside ‘the norm’ and while it can be scary at times, I have received more than I ever could have imagined. Today I stand in the knowing that I am already enough just as I am and that it is safe to me with or without a partner. I stand in the freedom to live and express my truth and know that this is where we truly grow and expand in the most miraculous ways. When we love and embrace all of who we are and all that we have experienced, we can then honor the true calling of our heart and be who we are truly meant to be in the world.
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