Dear God,

I have to be honest. I understood this week’s gospel about as well as I comprehended Sophocles’s “Oedipus Rex” and Aeschylus’s “Prometheus Bound” back in college, so I’m grasping at literary themes much like an engineering major thrown into English Lit 101.

This part I get: a woman can’t keep her husband happy. In Luke 20:27-38, a woman goes through seven husbands. SEVEN husbands, God! After the first died, she married the second, and then the third, fourth, and so on.

I want to know what the hell she was feeding them, and how she handled the wrath of her mother-in-law, who must have lived in a therapist’s office her remaining days to process the anger she felt toward a broad who managed to kill all seven of her sons.

My guess is this: the wife was bipolar and refused to get treated. That’s one sure way to bury a husband.

So, I think today’s lesson is to keep your spouse alive and healthy. At the risk of sounding like a country song played backwards–I got my house back, got my wife back, got my truck back—here is a list of suggestions I came up with to keep a husband happy.
Your feedback would be most appreciated.

1. Skip the polyester, Ester
2. No casserole, Nicole
3. Sleep with him twice a week, Monique
4. Let him drive a new car, Star
5. Laugh with him, Kim
6. Allow all-day NFL, Belle
7. Buy him candy, Sandy
8. Pray together, Heather
9. Wear sexy underwear, Cher
10. Make sure to kiss, Beatrice
11. Continue to date, Kate
12. Don’t call him lazy, Daisy
13. Be his biggest fan, Ann
14. Keep taking your pill, April
15. Be nice to his ma, Alicia
16. Let him win, Lynn
17. Don’t disappear, Blaire
18. More honesty, Destiny
19. Don’t obsess about money, Bunny
20. Color your hair, Claire
21. Don’t run, Autumn
22. Create something homemade, Jade
23. Say “I love you” daily, Bailey
24. His virtues try to see, Lee
25. Treat him like a king, Ling
26. Don’t yell, Danielle
27. Give it a second shot, Charlotte
28. Brush off his dander, Amber
29. Hold him like a baby, Sadie
30. Love him past the bliss, Genesis
31. Pay his library fee, Dee
32. Eat lunch with him at the deli, Kelly
33. Don’t steal, Camille
34. Dress less scary, Sherry
35. Stop meeting boys in the alley, Sally
36. Water him like a tree, Marie
37. Try to sit still, Jill
38. Wear something racy, Stacey
39. Nurture his inner boy, Joy
40. Show him you care, Blair