Thanks to Beyond Blue reader “T” who posted the following comment on the combox of my post, “10 Steps to End an Affair”:

The biggest mistake I ever made in my life was to allow myself to become attached emotionally to a woman not my wife. It’s just not worth it. It would have been a lot more productive for me to go home and talk to my wife about my feelings. But … it’s so much easier when an attractive woman is paying attention to you. You think … what’s the harm? I’m not “doing anything” with her. 

Well … that’s the Big Lie that sustains these destructive relationships. They are destructive because they siphon away all of your emotional energy — leaving nothing for your primary relationship. In addition to that, you become “attached” to this “relationship” like a crack addict does to his pipe.

If I didn’t see my crush in the morning at work, I would actually become agitated (withdrawal symptoms). I had to see her. I had to hear her voice. I had to have my “alone time” with her. Problem is, unless your marriage or real primary relationship is in fact over, you are faced with a stark and tricky choice — do you wreck what you have and chase the fantasy or do you try to kick your habit?

After a good year and a half of being on this “drug”, I had to get away from it. I couldn’t take the depression and anxiety that seems to be part and parcel of these arrangements. Yes, there were incredible highs — but then came the crushing lows — which were more often than not. The weekends you couldn’t be together. The days you didn’t see her. The times you felt her pulling away. The confusion you felt when she came back after pulling away. All psychodrama any sane individual could simply live without.

To anyone enmeshed in an emotional affair (a trap of the heart as I like to call it), do yourself a favor and get out now and reconnect with your primary significant other. It is so unfair to compare these fantasy relationships with your real relationship.

To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.