Thanks to Beyond Blue reader Taylor for the following comment posted on my “Perfectionism: Ring the Bells” post:

I woke up at 2:00 am and could not go back to sleep. My mind went to this title about perfectionism. I have gained an extra ten pounds, and seem to be going through so many changes at 60 years old. I have been single for 32 years and raised three children by myself. My two younger children died. My daughter died in 1984, with a congenital-lung and heart defect at 16; and, my son of suicide at 27, in 1997. While I have been in therapy and counseling with others to work on my issues, I know something is holding me back, keeping me from thriving. I struggle with my writing and my speaking, just about everything that would expand my practice, because of the fears related to not “doing it perfectly.” Fortunately, I am ready to wake up to me. 

When my daughter died in 1984, before the days of heart transplants and any death and dying counseling, with the exception of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (EKR) thank God, the only help you could get was with a chaplain at the hospital. The Bible really did not help in the throes of death with a child who had heart spasms–mild heart attacks typically five out of seven nights wherein she would be on oxygen for at least an hour. I think I carried or held her at least one-half of her life. She obviously could not run, ride a bike, or walk more than half a block. Walking to school or going to the mall with girlfriends was not an option. Getting ready for school took sometimes more than two hours. My life could not start until after she was able to get moving. Our lives simply revolved around her and my two beautiful boys had no choice but to accept crumbs of energy from me. They indeed slipped through the cracks.

Being a reformed Baptist who studied religion and mythology, there would be no comfort coming from a chaplain. So, I began studying with Stephen Levine and EKR, reaching a facilitator level. I traveled all over the world looking for someone who would teach me about death and dying to ease some of the pain and trauma of the past 16 years. My husband left me with three children ages 11, 8 and 5 after an ugly affair and a divorce in 1976. There was never a break. It was wicked and only got worse as the congenital heart and lung defect caused her to go into heart failure. She died one Sunday morning at 16 1/2 years old. We were devastated.

Easy to think you have done something horribly wrong especially with mainstream religion.

So where does perfectionism come in?

My mother died when I was eight, and my stepmother when I was 16. Death has been a constant companion in my life since I can remember. My life-long angry and abusive father always said we did not appreciate my mother or stepmother, the reason why God took them to heaven. 

Somewhere inside of me, I still think I have done something wrong having lost my children, mother and partner.

After my daughter’s death, my two sons and I would never be the same. We had no conception of anything normal as compared to other people. My youngest son never got his life back; thereby, ending his tortured life in a very brutal suicide. Alice Miller’s quote in Drama of the Gifted Child explained this so well: “It is easy to end something that wasn’t his in the first place.” My elder son, now 42, still remains withholding and sad deep inside.

In the face of such abandonment, I think it’s easy to see that trying to be perfect could be a worthy goal. Perfect seemed to be normal for everyone else. Crazy for certain, obsessive-compulsive? Absolutely!

With absolutely no prior experience, I became a much sought-after teacher and counselor, writing and giving classes after my daughter died. I could not find anyone who was skilled enough to talk to me about my losses. There were absolutely no resources. Compelled to not let others go through the isolation and fears related to terminal illness, I put together an entire series to present to Children’s Hospital, churches, clubs, anywhere they would let me speak. Unity, Science of Mind, and a wonderful First Baptist were open to my work. I was very successful at this time and nothing could shut me up.

I became one a pioneer in the field of grief and loss, death and dying. I have been told that I came to this world to do this work. This is true. So certified with EKR, and studies with others like Stephen Levine, Ram Dass, Gerald Jampolsky, a few mystics, and years of study, I am one of the leading psychologists in this field. Ultimately, I returned to school, finished a graduate degree, then my Ph.D. I am paying off a $100,000 school loan.

While I was lying in bed in the early morning quiet, the e-mail on perfectionism which I had deleted came to mind. And, after being awake in and out of sleep, my daughter came to me. I have been waiting forty years for this to happen. I could feel her presence and first was awkward as I came out of a dream about her. We talked for just a short time and I went back to sleep. I have only felt her presence one other time.

The first time was the day after she died. We shared our knowing we did the best for each other and she was so incredibly peaceful. An awe-inspiring gift.

I got up this morning to retrieve your article. I now understand why some things are not coming to me. Abundance, the wonderful relationship I have wanted for so many years. All perfectionism. You never could have convinced me of this yesterday.

So be it…my work is starting again to rid myself of the idea that there is any thing perfect–just everything and everybody. Now maybe I can also write and continue being the outrageous woman I am. Words are going to flow and I love my life. So this will be the new me as this becomes the first piece I have written in years since my Ph.D.

To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.