Dear God,

In Matthew’s gospel (14:13-21) we read about the miracle of the loaves and fish:

When Jesus heard what had happened [to John the Baptist’, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick. As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food.”

Jesus replied, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.”

We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered.

“Bring them here to me,” he said. And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children.

I have always loved this story because it affords me a reality check as a professional worrier, a conservative investor, and as a woman whose OCD would have had her counting those loaves and fishes at least one hundred times before and after panicking to Jesus.

I am the responsible one in my family: the designated driver for most holidays and gatherings, the cheapskate (wearing clothes she bought 10 years ago) who refuses to go on a shopping spree in New York with her fashionable sister because she is saving for her retirement, and the one (with her technologically savvy husband) printing out ten-year budget spreadsheets so that she knows how much per year she has to contribute to the kids’ college fund in order for it to cover tuition plus room and board at University of Maryland in 11 years.

I envy my sisters’ and other family members’ carefree lifestyles, their ability to live in the moment and spend what they have, but I have a hard time not fretting about the future.

This conscientious side of me comes in handy. I’m a planner … and so I have less surprises, in theory anyway, to deal with (“Crap! Where did all my money go?”) than my sisters and some friends. But scheduling everything in ink before it happens creates its own anxiety. I don’t let myself live today to the fullest. And I don’t let myself take the breaks that I need, because I’m worried that if I do, I won’t have enough for tomorrow.

Which is where this story comes in handy. I think, God, you are saying, “Don’t sweat it! I got ya covered.” And I’m beginning to see that you really mean it.

For example, I always bank (have written and uploaded into blogging software) at least a week’s worth of blog posts to cover me in case I have a bad week and can’t concentrate or write. (Keep in mind that I turned in the manuscript for the book “Beyond Blue” five months early because I was petrified that I wouldn’t finish it in time. In fact, I turned in the book BEFORE I signed the contract. That example should be listed under OCD in the DSM V, whenever that thing comes out.)

Sorry, back to my example. The last few weeks, I’ve really needed a few mental-health days, where I could just walk, swim, bike, and try to find my head again. So I used the banked posts, even though this made me nervous because I wouldn’t have them there if I had another bad day (you know all about this thinking, right?). But as it turns out, I felt so much better having taken some time off, that I was able to complete some posts in less time than I had planned, so I got back my extra posts AND had a break!

I decided to try this on a larger scale and see if, even as I took care of myself and took the necessary breaks, I could plan a few weeks in August to take off. I prayed to You, God, consistently that you help me take care of myself so that I can do whatever I’m here, on earth, to do. Miraculously, I was able to fill a few weeks in August pretty easily, so that I am now able to take a long break.

I told my therapist about this, and she wasn’t surprised.

“When you live in the moment, and are in communication with God, he does take care of your needs,” she said. “And when you take care of yourself first and foremost, the other parts of your life seem to fall into place.” Moreover, she repeated, “Investing in yourself is the best investment you can make.”

Now, I don’t want to risk oversimplifying this. Because I could very well say, “Well then, God, take away my depression! Give it to all those people eating fish and loaves or to the poor pigs that got the demons that Jesus exorcised from a believer.” I know it’s more complicated than that.

But I’m starting to see the miracle of the loaves and fish in my own life, and am tempted to rip up some of my budget spreadsheets in order to live a little more in the here and now. Could you please help me with that? THANKS.

To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.