I’m in the process of dealing with a toxic friend. She is broken, in a different sort of way. We no longer have anything in common except for the past. Her relationship is highly destructive for me…I do not know how to handle it. She’s narcissistic and very much a user. Help!

I brought up the question on a discussion thread on Group Beyond Blue. And here’s what folks had to say:

Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing….move on…sometimes people need to be alone to figure out what is wrong in their life. I know sitting with myself taught me how to fix me…I gave my friend books and told her about meetings and it only made her mad.. so I just don’t call. And when she calls I listen…I don’t give advice…so she can listen to herself…..sometimes that’s all they need….My friend is still lost….I’ve done all I can…–Hpower1

In my experience, once I have an idea of what another person is dealing (or not dealing) with, I can separate the “real person” from the “sick person”. It gives me a way to stay sane in working with that person, knowing that the behavior that is bothersome or offensive isn’t truly coming from that person, but from their illness.

In the words of a Gospel song, the other person may need us to “look beyond their fault and see their need”. Not necessarily the expressed need, but the true need. It can be hard to look past what they’re *saying* is their need to the deeper stuff that’s going on. –Weeble75

I read the thread with great interest, because, as many of you know, this is a topic I struggle with and have discussed on Beyond Blue.

A few months back I let go of an important friendship in my life because I realized that our bond was rooted in my woundedness. That is, my intense connection with her wasn’t about intimacy or respect or fellowship as much as it was an opportunity for me to enact the role of the wounded child.

After much grief and suffering … and after six cycles of an unmistakable dysfunctional pattern, I finally distinguished the destructive dance of pursuit and withdrawal that was going on in our relationship.

I would reach out to her with (what I regarded as) an act of kindness … like sending a meaningful gift with a heartfelt card of encouragement. I wouldn’t hear anything in response, which hurt my feelings, So, feeling rejected, I would start to withdraw, at which point she would start to pursue me again.

I finally put the childhood piece of the puzzle together – duh! – when my sister an I were talking about the details of my parents’ dysfunctional marriage and bitter divorce.