In one of the correspondences published in “Come Be My Light: The Private Writings of the ‘Saint of Calcutta,'” Mother Teresa wrote: “If I ever become a Saint–I will surely be one of ‘darkness.’ I will continually be absent from Heaven–to light the light of those in darkness on earth.”
I have been calling on her lately. And reading her writings as a way of clinging on to Light … like a buoy in the ocean of darkness that surrounds me lately.
I know that my bipolar disorder is a physiological illness, and that it is both inaccurate and dangerous to categorize a mood disorder as a dark night of the soul. However, the terror of blackness and the absence of hope feel so much like I’m involved in a spiritual war that I alone can’t fight. I must call on God, implore the saints’ help, and pray with scripture and religious meditations to strengthen my soul during the bleak hours.
Spiritual author Henri Nouwen is so right when he writes:
As you see more clearly that your vocation is to be a witness to God’s love in this world, and as you become more determined to live out that vocation, the attacks of the enemy will increase. You will hear voices saying, “You are worthless, you have nothing to offer, you are unattractive, undesirable, unlovable.” The more you sense God’s call, the more you will discover in your own soul the cosmic battle between God and Satan. Do not be afraid. Keep deepening your conviction that God’s love for you is enough, that you are in safe hands, and that you are being guided every step of the way. Don’t be surprised by the demonic attacks. They will increase, but as you face them without fear, you will discover that they are powerless.
I am consoled and comforted to know that both Henri Nouwen and Mother Teresa endured these excruciating hours of darkness … that they both surfaced from these soul battles to leave legacies filled with love, peace, and wisdom. Moreover, I know that if Mother Teresa experienced such doubt and alienation from God, then my spiritual dryness doesn’t necessarily point to a failure on my fault. If the saint from Calcutta felt abandoned, I have permission to feel that way, as well. In July 3,1959, she wrote:
In the darkness . . . Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The child of your love–and now become as the most hated one–the one You have thrown away as unwanted–unloved. I call, I cling, I want–and there is no One to answer–no One on Whom I can cling–no, No One.–Alone. The darkness is so dark–and I am alone.–Unwanted, forsaken.–The loneliness of the heart that wants love is unbearable.–Where is my faith?–even deep down, right in, there is nothing but emptiness and darkness.–My God–how painful is this unknown pain. It pains without ceasing.
If I want to do God’s will–and I ask God to help me do that every morning and several times a day–then, as Nouwen says, I will have to deepen the knowledge of God’s love in my heart. I will have to journey inward to get the spiritual resolve I need to withstand these moments of darkness, attacks by the enemy, and doubt in a good and loving God.
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