Since country music is the repository of all truth in this part of the country, I offer this country tune, with apologies to the Beatles (their famous chorus was just too good not to use).

LB’S

It sweepin cross America,
The plague of pulchritude
Its gripped the whole nation
The bare facts are quite rude,
We’ve put on pounds around our waist
That we cannot divest
And when we weren’t a lookin
We got a sunken chest

Sometimes they say Dunlop disease
Is what we call it now,
When you’re spare tire hangs out that far
Don’t need a belt no how
My waist has wasted more and more
Can’t see the scales today
And while my jeans burst at the seams
I’ve got the guts to say……

CHORUS (ala Beatles)
Boy, you gotta carry that weight
carry that weight a long time
Girl you gotta carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time.

They say its love handles,
Or ‘your full figured now’,
Or ‘you are so pleasingly plump’
Or ‘you’ve filled out somehow’
It is a weighty matter,
When you can’t wear your shorts
Your navel’s horizontal
And you feel out of sorts

Those calories on the lips
They say can devastate
Ten tons on the hips
You learn this all too late.
They call it now middle aged
I never knew just why
Its cause my middle now has aged
And it’s too late to cry…

CHORUS

Chest of drawers disease is here
Spreading through the land
That’s when your chest falls in your drawers
and you fill out your can
Oh where is Jenny Craig just now
Or what can Atkins teach
Through Jazzercise I’ll soon arrive
Upon that old South Beach

I’m watchin all my weight just now
I’ve got it out in front,
I float much better in the pool,
My problem I’ll confront
From carbs to calories to sweets
I ‘ve got my just desserts
I gave up diets back in Lent
Cause starving always hurts.

CHORUS