1. Do not walk behind
me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not
walk beside me either. Just pretty
much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and leaky
tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to
steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t
be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares
if you’re alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you
criticize them, you’re a mile away and you
have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish, and he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you
don’t have to remember anything.

13. Some days you’re the bug; some days
you’re the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in
half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no
foot.

17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and
a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two approaches to arguing with women. Neither one
works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips
are moving.

20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you
need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any
circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same
night.