George Carlin’s New Rules for 2008

[N.B. I have edited various of these in a PG kind of way :)]

New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There’s a reason
you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football
team is doing these days . . mowing my lawn.

New Rule:
Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a
seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found
in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your
eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule:
There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this
stuff at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Drink some of that salinized water at the beach that comes out of your faucet there!

New Rule:
Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the more annoying the drinker. If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,
light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low, and one NutraSweet,” boy are you messed up.

New Rule:
I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.

New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you
spiritual. It’s right above your least flattering feature, and it translates
to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you
were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual.
You’re just high.

New Rule:
Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those ‘athletes’ at the poker table was just too darned
exciting.

New Rule:
I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms,
I’ll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:
If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t
gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
towel and a mint. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there,
or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude.
I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months.
“27 Months” is way over the top. “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese.

New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
better than minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo
every available piece of flesh. If you do, then plan your future around
saying” Do you want fries with that?”