You know you spend too much time in airplanes and airports when:

1) The TSA people at your home airport know you by name

2) The ticket counter people from all the airlines know you by name

3) The stewardesses on the planes often know you by name

4) You schedule your flights to stop in certain airports because you have ‘favorite airport restaurants’ along the way

5) You avoid certain major airports like the plague (e.g. Chicago O’Hare)

6) You unconsciously remember not to wear a belt and a watch on the day you are flying so you don’t have to disrobe when going through security at the airport.

7) Your luggage has more stickers on it than a leading political candidate in the 2008 presidential race.

8) You get offered American Express cards on 7 different domestic airlines.

9) You can actually tell people what the shortest Delta route is (Cinci to Dayton), and the longest non-stop commerical flight is (Singapore to Newark– 19 hours, been there, done that).

10) You average 50 flights a year.

11) You know how to to make the ticket agent give you a FEM (a faulty equipment manifest) when a plane doesn’t fly due to mechanical issues, so you can fly free on another airline.

12) You know all the code share partners on all the airlines you regularly fly.

13) You’ve figured out how to be almost always first on and first off the plane without usually flying first class (that bulkhead seat and you have been bonding for a while, and you don’t ever gate check luggage or have pink tag bags).

14) You’ve figured out that it is cheaper to take the taxi to the airport than to park there for 2 or more days.

15) You know what movies the airlines are showing month by month on cross country and Trans -Atlantic flights, so you can plan ahead.

16) You’ve figured out the most comfortable spots to sleep in an airport if you happen to be stranded there– the carpeted floor at the end of a terminal behind an unused counter works well.

17) You’ve seen Air Force One parked at various airports you have been stranded at.

18) You’ve heard stewardesses say such choice things over the plane intercom as:

a) ‘welcome today to your final flight, ladies and gentleman’

b) ‘in the event of an emergency landing put your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye’

c) ‘We will be serving cocktails in the cockpit shortly, if you would like one’.

d) ‘After the meal is served you may feel some turbulence in your stomach’.

e) ‘ Our pilot for today is Captain Neil Armstrong, and his first mate Buzz Aldrin’

f) ‘ We will be landing soon and you will be able to turn on your wives and call your cellphones’

19) You’ve talked the airlines into giving you a cab ride from the Cinci airport to the Lexington airport, instead of a meal voucher and a hotel for the night.

20) They sing Happy Birthday to you on the airplane on the right day, even though you never told them what the right day was.

21) You are thinking of writing a guide book entitled ‘Gullible’s Travels’

Unfortunately, I can account for almost all of the above.

BW3