“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Last week, I engaged in a ritual in which I invited angels into my home and asked for their support in bringing about positive change in my life. There were three particular areas for which I requested guidance and before I named them and commited them to paper, I set wheels in motion for what you will be reading shortly. I asked for the chaos in my life to be cleared out so that I could experience greater peace.  Be careful what you ask for.

At the time this occurred, I was in the midst of a challenging situation with someone I had hired to do some work in my home. His work ethic left a great deal to be desired, but as a recovering co-dependent, I wasn’t initially as assertive as I needed to be to direct the project.  Add to it, feeling overwhelmed in most other areas of my life, but doing my typical keep on keepin’ on dance, and you have a recipe for even more chaos…YIKES! 

I consider myself a pacifist who appreciates peace and quiet at times; nicely blended with moments of music and color, high energy and spontaneous interaction. Never would I say that I thrive on chaos.  And yet…..

My 23 year old wise man son pointed out to me last weekend, as we were sitting in the parking lot of our local K-mart about to go inside to pick up a filter for our heater:  “Mom, as much as you say you don’t, you love chaos.”  Shocked…who me?  Conflict averse me?  Yupper.  He continued: “You say that you get what you think about. You work at a job with people in crisis and chaos. Our house has been in chaos.”  He even admitted that sometimes his actions have contributed to the drama in our lives. “Just admit it. You also like being in control too and you can’t control chaos.”  How did he get to be so insightful, this kid who thrives on that energy and relishes every opportunity to stir some up?

What a wake-up-call-aha-moment for me. So, how can I manage chaos, other than removing it from my life?  “What if”, I pondered, “I could embrace it?”  My friend Greg had told me years ago about a professor he had in grad school that would encourage the students to “follow the chaos”, only it came out sounding like “follow the cows”.  We laugh about that occasionally. My view of cows is that they are not particulary chaotic critters, but rather passive.  Paradoxically, struggling to quell chaos only adds fuel to the fire.  So, what if I knew that like Rumi’s poem The Guest House; all of this tumultuous stuff was merely “clearing me out for some new delight.” ? If I ‘followed the chaos/cows’, where might it lead me? What eagerly awaited dance would I do?   I am eager to discover….Moooooo ~