Mental meanderings and musings this evening. There are times when I compose the Bliss Blog a week in advance and then there are occasions, like this morning, when in the midst of what felt like spacy twilight zone mode, I couldn’t think of a theme about which to write. Wondered if it was the atmospheric conditions, in the form of full-moon -eclipse- summer -solstice but I couldn’t seem to get my brain in gear. Had felt like it was in a padded quilt with no wiggle room, snugly enwrapped. I wouldn’t call it writer’s block; more like sensory overload, full mental hard drive. Needing to delete some cerebral programs. A few years ago, a friend described it as “defragmenting…this could take awhile.” I have come to accept that my mind is a repository for all manner of flotsam and jetsam that happen to drift on by at will. Full time job, a bunch of consulting jobs, putting finishing touches on my book, ‘normal life stuff’ such as housecleaning, grocery shopping, lawn mowing, doing the laundry, paying bills, socializing, ‘playing out’ at the gym have contributed to the more frequent ‘wise woman moments’ (the idea that as we get older we get wiser) during which my heretofore sharp as a tack mind, has lost a few points. Add to this mix menopausal sleep disruption and that has made for word finding difficulties. More often than not I ‘channel’ rather than plan what I am going to say; which leads to spontaneity, and sometimes inability to repeat what it is I have just said, when folks have asked me to do so.
Back to my morning experience. I am in the car on the way to my day job as a social worker in a psychiatric hospital and am again asking what it is I want to share with you today. I had a flash of an experience a few years back when hearing Gay Hendricks speak about a method he uses to problem solve. He says (and this is an important component) “Hmmmm…I wonder if…” or “Hmmm…I wonder how…” and goes on to fill in the blank. So I used that technique myself and then a moment later, laughed out loud at the Universe’s immediate response. A car had pulled in front of me with the license plate HMM 5026. Am I tuned in, or what? So I decided right then and there to honor the power of the Hmmmm….that delighted a(musing) sound we make when in curiousity mode. What if I entered into my day with an open hand, heart and mind rather than a predetermined idea of how it ‘should’ unfold?
I went throughout the next 12 hours with a sense of wonder. Instead of getting angry or frustrated when things didn’t play out ‘my way’, I went with the flow and let the river of life carry me. Know that I am not always so accepting of what is. Sometimes chaos takes over. I much prefer zen mode.
David Wilcox has written a perfect song to respond to my dilemma. Hearing it in my head made room for something productive to issue forth.
Empty Out The Inside of My Head
David Wilcox from What You Whispered 2000
I got such a mess between my ears
like dishes in the sink
stuff I don’t believe just tumbles in till I don’t have room to think
all my failures are on display
broken dreams of yesterday
stuff I should have thrown away, but I’ve kept it here instead.
Chorus:
I gotta empty out the inside of my head
I gotta empty out the inside
I gotta empty out the inside of my head
This could be a room with such a view
but its covered up with junk
Blocking out the place the light gets through so it keeps me in this funk
these dark clouds are stored away, just in case of a sunny day.
I could stand in the pouring rain with every tear that I’ve ever shed.
Chorus:
I gotta empty out the inside of my head
empty out the inside of my head
I gotta empty out the inside
help me empty out the inside of my head
I’d like to turn this place into my home
instead of some place that I dread
cause its the only room thats mine alone
and I’ll live here till I’m dead
I’ll sort through what I have found
stuff that works I’ll keep around
but I can’t live weighted down with every cruel old word they said
I gotta empty out the inside of my head x3
I gotta empty out the inside x3
I gotta empty out the inside of my head
help me empty out this inside of my head
etc…
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