Cardiac update since my last posting called Stay in My Heart:  Following a surprising diagnosis a week or so ago of a condition called LAFB which  are alphabet soup letters for Left Anterior Fascicular Blockage, I went to my primary care doc’s office where I was given a referral to see a cardiologist. During the visit, my BP bounced from my normal 120/80 to something like 140/100. Can you imagine that I was a wee bit nervous which could have been a contributing factor? It isn’t dying that I am afraid of, it is incapacity. Hard to imagine sitting still by necessity rather than choice. Most of the time, I choose to move.  I had no worries, since when I met with the heart specialist yesterday, he replied “I’m not too impressed by the EKG.” When I asked him to translate, he basically indicated that it was inconclusive and not likely anything to kick up a fuss over, but he still wanted me to have an echo-cardiogram to take a look-see on the inside and structure of my ticker.

That’s when the words “my heart needs to be in the right place” came to me. I like to think that is always so, but if I am to be honest, sometimes it just plain isn’t. It goes where it doesn’t belong when it is poking around in other people’s business as if I know better than they do, what they oughta be up to. It reaches out to people who may not want to dance with it for the time being. It travels to dark places when I am in self judgment or doubt. It has me caretaking to the exclusion of being care receiving. Since the diagnosis, I have been having many more conversations with my heart; asking what it wants and really doing some deep listening, when before I would have dismissed its wisdom. It tells me that it wants to be accepted AS IS, without need to impress anyone. It whispers that it wants to be fully seen and known; not simply for the façade I have worn in the service of not making waves or upsetting the applecart. It beckons me to pay attention to myself and not just to other people and their needs. It cajoles me to play and rest more and work less. It delights in mutual benefit. It says that just like the ocean tides roll both in and out and just like the breath flows both ways, so too does the heart thrive on mutuality.

The idea of having a change of heart has long appealed to me.  The beliefs I had always held, the world view in which I immersed myself, what relationships ‘should’ look and feel like, my own ability to take in and then share life force energy all are in question and flux at this moment. I am learning to be flexible and tender with my heart.

Gentle With Myself

I will be gentle with myself.
I will be gentle with myself.
And I will hold myself like a newborn baby child.
– repeat…

I will be tender with my heart.
I will be tender with my heart.
And I will hold my heart like a newborn baby child.
– repeat

And I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me feels safe to go.
I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me feels safe to go.

I will be easy on myself.
I will be easy on myself.
And I’ll love myself like a newborn baby child.
– repeat

And I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me feels safe to go.
– repeat

Now, I know…
I am gentle with myself.
I am gentle with myself.
And I hold myself like a newborn baby child.
– repeat…

And I rock myself like a newborn baby child.
I hold myself like a newborn baby child.
I love myself like a newborn baby child.

http://youtu.be/ihWYx-QJ95I Gentle With Myself by Karen Drucker  2006