When I was a kid, there was an adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”  It was a well meaning piece of guidance so that we could slough off harsh words, cast about by potential bullies. Not so, I have found, since words have the power to harm or heal. When in doubt, choose words that soothe rather than scald and actions that love rather than lambast.

One of my hats is that of a therapist who, over the past 30 some years has served clients whose psyche’s are a mass of emotional cuts and bruises. Some have continued the legacy in their own lives by self injuring through cutting, burning or otherwise engaging in destructive addictions such as drugs, alcohol, dysfunctional and abusive relationships, hoarding, spending, gambling and eating disorders. Their own self deprecation has been devastating at times. They may also have perpetrated against others. Our work together is to as gently as possible, air out and clean out the boo boos so that they don’t continue to fester and ooze out into their daily lives.

It amazes me how many explain away what was said or done to them, since those who dished out those painful words and actions may have justified them, partly since, paradoxically, like fine china it was their inheritance as well. Lately, I have begun to ask them these questions to identify abuse:

If what was said or done to you was said or done by your perpetrator to an adult/stranger could they justifiably press assault or terroristic threat charges?

If what was said or done to you by your perpetrator was said or done to a neighbor child, could their parents have that peson arrested for child abuse?

Each one has reacted with a cartoon character double take and said they had never thought about it that way. I encouraged them to reframe their experience, not as a means of  demonizing the other person, but as a healing balm for their emotional wounds. I never understood the desire to intentionally cause physical or emotional injury to another. In my paradigm NOTHING justifies abuse.

I have learned that although we are resilient beings, hearts and lives can be fragile and need to be handled with loving care and once broken, can’t be put back together in the same way. I urge you please to think before hurling harmful words to others and yourself. Little ears are listening.

Photo credit:  Raw For Beauty