Aretha had it right when she sang that classic song written by Otis Redding. We all desire to be respected for who we are and although we want to receive it from others, it begins within. Take a look at the way you feel about yourself. Do you think you are worthy of it? Have you spent a fair amount of your life in search of what might feel elusive? Do you maintain healthy boundaries, only accepting treatment that feeds your heart, rather than starving it. For far too long, I sold my soul for love, approval and acceptance. I was a people pleaser, tap dancing for the applause; good girl, A student, super achiever, turned workaholic, caregiver who exhibited savior behavior. That’s what I thought I needed to do, since when I lived like that, I got the goodies. There was a cost to it, though since people expected me to keep doing those things. It was an endless loop tape that I was afraid to sever, thinking that the song would be silenced.
I held on to unhealthy relationships for fear that I would be alone. I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders (and thus on other parts of my body), thinking that if I put it down, the world would stop spinning. In what seemed like humility, I indulged in arrogance. Over the years, I have, sometimes sadly, walked away from relationships that were not serving me. In many ways, it felt like a detox. I needed to distance myself from the familiar, if illusionary connection with those who had felt as familiar to me as my own face in the mirror. I wondered who I would be without these people in my immediate life, since so much of my identity, at least for that time, was wrapped up in our interactions. I felt myself shrinking emotionally, containing my joy, dimming my light so as not to make them uncomfortable. In this moment, as I consider it, I am grateful for their presence, since even in their inability to show up as I wanted them to, they were teaching me to value myself.
These days, I put a much higher price on my loyalty and love. Love in its essence is unconditional. I get that. However (and this is a big one), complete and total acceptance of the actions of another, is not. Honesty, integrity, valuing self and others, kindness, compassion, accountability, open hearted communication of emotions, non-violence and personal responsibility are all aspects of relationships that I allow into my life. Nothing less than that is acceptable. I am and you are, so worth that.
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