Feeling a bit like a newborn today. Up a lot last night, sleeping fitfully. Uncertain as I enter into my greatly modified routine; starting to see clients again today. I feel too like I imagine I did on my second day of kindergarten back in 1964. On the first day, my mother walked with me along the 4 block way from home to Pennypacker Park Elementary School in Willingboro, NJ (one of the original Levittown communities) and said goodbye with a hug and kiss (and perhaps a tear that she wiped away). On the second day, I bravely trekked the sidewalk, feeling like a big girl. What I didn’t know, likely until I was an adult, was that my mother had followed me, remaining a few blocks behind and out of sight. I wonder if she would have ducked into some shrubbery if by chance I had turned around. Just as she did 49 years ago, I sense she is with me now. Still hesitant, unsure what to expect. One of my co-workers who greeted me at the door with a smile and hug asked how I was doing. My response was “I don’t know if I can do this.” He assured me that I could and that God had my back and would carry me through it one day at a time, like any recovery process.
As much as I have had a huge wakeup call in the past week or so and have been moving through a myriad of emotions, I know I have only scratched the surface. Friends have been delighted that I have slowed down dramatically. One long time friend who has known me since my 20’s reminded me that being a turtle is a good thing, even as she knows that an immediate transformation from hare to tortoise would be just as challenging for me, as the opposite metamorphosis would be for her. She is someone who speaks deliberately and moves with a sense of flow and grace. I am learning to emulate those qualities. One of my clients, when I told her what had happened, saw an upside to it. “Now you will speak slowly enough for me to understand you.” I suspect that she isn’t the only one.
Another friend who had been through this last year, reminded me to shut down occasionally, especially in the early stages of recovery. I have rarely paid so much attention to my physical and emotional workings; such unknown territory. I was reading a book yesterday written by Francis Weller who I will be interviewing for my radio show called It’s All About Relationships on Thursday night. In Entering the Healing Ground-Grief, Ritual and the Soul of the World, he describes a high powered exec. who had a heart attack and soon after wanted to go back to his over the top schedule (I’m sure that his was far more hectic and pressure filled than mine). Francis commented that he was wasting a perfectly good heart attack by not learning the lessons that came along with it. I laughed and decided that I was not going to do that. Big love to my family and friends who are seeing me through this as I learn to move through life one baby step at a time.
Photo credit: Tortoise and Hare by Tagishman/everystockphoto
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