My friend Jenny G. Perry is a wise woman. Often, what she has to share on Facebook, speaks to my own process, even though her life circumstances are different than mine. She is a 30-something, married mother of 5 who lives at the Jersey shore (no, she’s not one of those Jersey shore housewives, thank Goodness!) and I am a 55 year old widowed empty nester. What we do have in common goes beyond those identifiers. We are both outspoken explorers of the inner realms, what I call ‘soul strippers’ who are willing to peel off the protective layers and stand emotionally and spiritually naked so that we can shift our perceptions of life and how we thought it was ‘supposed’ to be. Today she was speaking about a subject that is squirmy and uncomfortable for this avowed pacifist and that is ANGER!

Anger and I have had a convoluted relationship for as long as I can remember. It was rarely expressed in my childhood. My parents never yelled at each other or us. I grew up on “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” (Thank you, Thumper:) I learned to stuff anger. Then I married a man who was steeped in anger in his childhood and it spilled out into our marriage. I think of myself as being conflict avoidant and peace at almost all cost is my M.O. I am recognizing that anger, expressed safely, is healthy. I agree that it is a signal that something is awry. I am doing my best to befriend it lest it spiral out of control in an unguarded moment. I have witnessed the incendiary power of anger, left to its own devices. I have seen lives ruined, harm done when people have succumbed to it.

Yes, anger is an understandable human emotion that speaks volumes about frustrated desires, seeing injustices done and feeling helpless to do anything about it. Sometimes it is rocket fuel that propels us to positive action. Jenny was questioning the role that anger plays in her life and the erroneous messages it feeds her. If I were to listen to my own inner critic with regard to anger, it would tell me that only out of control people let anger take over, that anger is dangerous, that it needs to be controlled, stifled and squelched so it doesn’t turn into a fire breathing dragon.

I can feel it, deal with it and then let it go.  I can recognize the origin. I have heard that we aren’t angry for the reasons we think we are. At the root, often is a feeling of being misunderstood, a sense of separation. When I face it, it becomes less intimidating and I need not hide from it, nor do I need to protect others from my expression of it.