I had a revelationary thought today as I recognized that for much of my adult life, I have done things for the benefit of others first and foremost, or to please someone so as to gain or not lose love and/or approval. Now, since the heart opening experience in June, I do more things for my own satisfaction, fulfillment or pleasure. Something as simple as driving leisurely down a leaf strewn back road, drinking in the magnificent hues of the Fall foliage, rather than rushing to get somewhere, has taken on new meaning. I am accepting my ‘new normal’ of much improved physical/spiritual/emotional/mental self care. It’s only been 56 years…what took me so long?

Looking back at my history,  I realize that I received mixed messages. For the first 2 1/2 years of my life, I was an only child and then along came my sister, Jan. I don’t remember feeling jealous or displaced.  Our parents made sure we each received in equal measure materially, although she will tell you that because I had asthma, I received special attention. As a result, I internalized the idea that I needed to ‘earn my keep’ and be a ‘good girl’ who was cooperative and low maintenance in other areas of my life. My parents modeled generosity with family, friends and community. My dad was described as someone who would “take the shirt off his back to help others,” and yet,  he would often say “Charity begins at home.” We were not deprived in any way. I learned to share and play nicely in the sandbox (I don’t think I ever ran with scissors:)

Many of my adult relationships bore the hallmarks of co-dependent caregiving and ‘savior behavior’, in which I would repress my own needs in the service of keeping the peace and that person’s presence in my life. Now I cringe when I consider ‘what I did for love.’ I feel a sense of embarrassment that I gave myself away, thinking it was all spiritual of me to do that and that I would be adored all the more for it. Nah. Didn’t work that way.

About 10 years ago, I was at a conference in Santa Fe, New Mexico and during one of the workshops, we did an exercise in which we sat with a partner and volleyed back and forth the words “For you.” in offering and “For me.” in accepting. I worked with a woman I hadn’t known coming in, but felt greatly gifted by her presence in this experience. At first, I had a hard time being in receptive mode, pushing it away energetically. When one of the facilitators noticed my challenge, he asked if I would be willing to allow the entire group to offer the words “For you”. As I felt them flow over me, I began to cry, since I didn’t feel worthy of that kind of attention from strangers (or perhaps even loved ones, for that matter) Not sure why, since I had always felt loved by family and friends.

Now I honor myself, my own needs, and desires, believing that I deserve to receive just FOR ME.  And by giving myself permission, it opens that same door for you. I invite you to waltz through.