I have been sitting with a thought expressed by a new friend who has been doing cardiac care education since her own  ‘heart opening’ experience 4 years ago. She shared that when someone has a heart attack, trauma has occurred in the body and sometimes PTSD symptoms come along for the ride. As a career therapist who has worked with abuse and trauma survivors, I have witnessed their struggles to make sense of life following one or more incidences of  insult or assault to psyche, spirit or physiology. As is my pattern, I have minimized the impact since, after all, I reason, I have the tools, resources, supports, knowledge and wherewithal to overcome anything.  A good thing in general, since it bodes well for recovery  from a medical condition when one has an optimistic attitude and knows they will get through it to the other side. It, along with change in lifestyle, routine, adopting healthier habits increases the chances that a heart attack will not happen again. For me, and likely others who have led lives led by the belief that they are physically indestructible, we may not be as self caring and compassionate. Marylou encouraged me to go easy on myself and ride the emotional waves that could ensue.

I have been treading a line between wanting to be conscientious and responsible, as I do all I can to rebound and slowing down enough to ease into a new way of living. I could easily fall into denial of how serious this was AND I don’t want to feel at all like a victim and reinforce fragility. Some of what occurred was as a result of choices I made to speed through life, working ‘crazy hours’, sleeping little,  maintaining a ridiculous schedule, expecting myself to handle it all.  Although I didn’t drink caffeine daily, I would still have a few cups of chai a week and the week before the heart attack, I had a 5 hour energy drink to stay awake. There was also some genetic pre-disposition and some environmental factors; having worked in environments being exposed to second and third hand smoke.

Marylou also acknowledged that anxiety and depression are part and parcel as well. I am not prone to depression; even with the occasional dark night of the soul, I always emerge into the light of day. I can vouch for the anxiety, with what if’s creeping in at times. Most of are about ‘What if I can’t keep up with my greatly reduced schedule?  What if I get incapacitated? What if I am limited?  What about relationships?  Who will want a partner who bruises easily (on blood thinners) or who they may fear could die on them?’  I know how silly some of those fears are and I can laugh in their faces, since I have been able to create my own schedule, have tremendous supports to help me out, and everyone dies.

Mostly I stay in gratitude mode that I can do as much as I do, in the few months since the event. I am grateful for a resilient body, amazing family and friends, strong spiritual faith, work that I love, abundance, all kinds of creative outlets and cardiac rehab that keep my heart pumping.

When I mused about this on Facebook, friends chimed in with their wise and kind words. One friend Sharon Pearl who is a Spiritual Director offered:

“This was a wake up call that rivals the shofar blast. Listen! Listen! Listen to my heart song.  (Yogananda) I hope you’re not beating yourself up over the choices of the past. They served you in your less evolved self. They no longer serve you in your current (thank you God) metamorphosis and can shed these worn out habits of being in the world.”

As I sit with those thoughts, I find comfort and encouragement that not only has God not forsaken me (not that it was ever in doubt), but I have not forsaken myself. My heart sings!