Yesterday, I did a mini-workshop at Awaken Healing Expo and offered BLISS Coaching; both designed to empower people to live the lives of their dreams and desires. Already pretty tired from early awakening myself that morning, before the sun was even peeking out from its own cloud cover, my eyes were open. I attempted to slide back into sleep, but my mind was spinning with thoughts of what insightful information I wanted to share and what tools and toys I would bring into the room for the participants to use. Fortunately the back of my Jeep carries tote bags and a rolling suitcase filled with markers, feathers, paper, stickers, glitter, a magic wand, handouts from which I can pick and choose at random as I am inspired to bring them out. While there, I saw old friends and connected with new kindred spirits. I felt gratified and grateful….for me, gratification feels like something I take in, while gratitude seems to be something to extend outward. Uncharacteristic of me, since I don’t like to inconvenience anyone, on the way out the door, I asked three male friends to help me ferry my stash out to the car. They were glad to do it.

After a few hour nap, I woke up and had a revelation when speaking with my friend Yvonne Kaye who has known me for the past two and a half decades. Many people spend an entire lifetime in an attempt to distance themselves from their past and want to avoid  being like their parents. I have spent much of mine in an attempt to emulate my parents. In many ways, that has served me and in others….not so much. Still wondering how much of the physiological stuff is related to that. My father was a workaholic who even in retirement from his full time job at 65, worked part time in a gym for 18 years until Parkinsons robbed this formerly robust man of his stamina. During our daily check in phone calls, I would ask him how he was feeling and often times, his answer was “Disgusted.” He felt increasingly frustrated that he couldn’t perform his own ADL’s (Activities of Daily Living), such as bathing and dressing. He needed assistance getting around the condo with his walker. I can only imagine how challenging it was to depend on others for his care. His dwindling cognition was, in many ways, a blessing, because perhaps it rendered him able to ‘forget’ that he couldn’t do what he used to do. He was my model for relentless activity and perseverance.

My mother was the rock on whom everyone depended. She wasn’t a martyr or overtly self sacrificing, but made herself available as on-call listener and support for nearly any family member or friend who needed her. I can’t recall her turning anyone away. She would say that she had ‘broad shoulders” that I imagine she inherited from my grandmother, which meant that she let people lean on her and unburden their hearts. That too was my inheritance which  I tapped into personally and professionally.

Today, I spoke at Circle of Miracles which is one of my interfaith spiritual communities, on the topic of From Wonder Woman to Bionic Woman. The first part  is a reference to my former belief that I was a superhero who was indestructible, invulnerable and invincible. Not only did I not have a cape, cuffs and lasso of  truth, but I thought I could practice ‘savior behavior’ even so. The second is a nod to the stent that was inserted on June 12th; my re-birthday, thus opening a fully occluded artery. As I shared my journey over the past five months, I saw knowing nods in the congregation, since many of them are caregivers who sacrifice their own well-being to live a life of service. They also wagged their fingers at me, because although I have slowed dramatically, I still push the edges in terms of activity at cardiac rehab. I love going there and feel charged up emotionally, even as I sometimes feel drained physically. I was advised by one doc I saw last week, to cut back from five days a week, 50 minutes or so each time, to three times a week. My visceral response was to rebel…”You can’t take the outlet away from me.”  I do realize the importance of listening to my body’s messages and have been taking rest time to rejuvenate. Although I am indeed my mother’s daughter in so many ways that make me smile, I am willing to be a willow that bends, rather than a rock that crumbles.