Difficult to imagine a time when I made things harder than they needed to be. Days filled with fret and worry like so much sewage run-off. Mind spinning ceaselessly with shoulda- woulda- coulda thoughts that made me dizzy. Feeling ‘less than,’ with a ridiculous belief that I needed to prove myself in every area. To find the origin of this tough stuff, I need look no further than my childhood experience with asthma. Diagnosed at four with the breathing condition that had me feeling like I couldn’t inhale and exhale fully, as if an elephant had parked itself on my chest and that I wasn’t sure where my next dose of air would come from, I wondered if it would ever get better. Now, it didn’t happen often; these ‘asthma attacks,’ as they were delightfully described, but when they did, I would hightail it into the bathroom and with my mother, sit and breathe in the steam that poured forth from the shower. Allergy shots and regular visits to our family doc were part of my routine. Couldn’t eat peanut butter, spinach or rye bread, since I tested positive for allergic reaction to them when given a serum that contained those ingredients. Now I can, fortunately.

I wasn’t afraid of dying; never have been. It was more a sense of not wanting to be limited in any way. I wanted to keep up with my friends as they ran and played. There were times when it felt as if I was breathing in sand, rather than oxygen. In addition, I had adopted a get it done attitude, almost no matter what. In the past few years, I ignored physical warning signs and worked my way into shingles, heart attack, kidney stones and adrenal fatigue from ‘burning the candle at both ends until there was no more wax left’.

These days I measure my life BHA-Before Heart Attack and AHA-After Heart Attack. The woman who thought ‘sleep was highly over-rated,’ now relishes it. This rush through life on auto-pilot workaholic now takes conscious and deliberate steps to get more work done in less time, since I am in the flow, rather than blocking it. I am allowing, rather than efforting. I am attracting, rather than pursuing.

Today I visited my friend Suzan who I have known likely since the 1980’s. As we sat and sipped dandelion root tea, I shared some of my fears and limiting thoughts that had me tied up in knots for many years. She looked at me incredulously and said “You? I think of you as the most capable person I know.” Being a good actor, I am often able to make things look effortless. It’s my persona, you know. I used to believe that if people thought I didn’t have it all together, then they wouldn’t want to hire me as a writer, teacher, therapist or coach. My son had asked me a year or so ago how I could teach what I am not currently experiencing in my life. I reminded him that if people waited until everything fell into place perfectly in their lives, there would be no books, counselors or teachers. We are all works in progress. As my friend Kurt shared on one of my posts on Facebook:  “Life flows through you with grace.” Ah, yes~

I ask you, as I ask myself:  How easy are you willing to let life be?