As much as I would like to think of myself as open minded, non-judgmental and forgiving, brewing underneath that image, is someone who clenches out of fear, can hold a grudge and cling to self righteous indignation. I have reluctantly peered out to witness with dismay that those aspects of myself have made me less accessible to life and love. I consider some of the resentments I have held on to for decades; one from my teens, a few from my 20’s and one four years ago.

Following the heart attack nearly a year and a half ago, I have been on a mission of sorts, to clean up anything that is still hanging around, for my own benefit and hopefully that of other parties involved. Last night, I was perusing articles on line on a topic of interest and I found several written by someone who I perceived had slighted me a few years ago, when she had originally been supportive. Over the years, I have grit my teeth when seeing this person’s name or image. I could feel it eating away at me and wanted the feeling gone. While in recent grief mode that has lasted for the past several weeks, it occurred to me that I have wasted far too much time invested in making other people wrong for living in ways that they may feel are self protective. In truth, their actions may have absolutely nothing to do with me.

I took the risk and reached out to her, sharing my feelings and wanting to clean up anything unresolved between us. I then let it go and went to sleep. I woke up to her loving response as she explained what occurred back then. She thanked me for caring enough to express my feelings. I feel lighter as a result. I can smile when I think of her.

There are others with whom I want to clean up the campground and say what I have withheld out of fear. This, in part comes from the uncertainty of life and how it turns on a dime and can change in a heartbeat. The other reason is that I have allowed these resentments and withholds to create impediments to moving forward in my life. I have dreams and desires that are blocked and need open roads for me to travel.

Some of these people have passed and the conversations need to take place in my heart and mind. Yesterday, my 28 year old son called me because he noticed that I wasn’t at my blissful best when I stopped by to see him at work. He offered his wisdom that I need to let go of the past, including regrets and resentments about my marriage to his father, which ended when Michael died, leave behind my fears and go for what I want in my life. He used the same words I have been telling myself that it really is okay to let other people take care of me for a change. Down came the waterworks. No surprise since the faucet has been cascading like a constant Hallmark commercial is playing on TV. Gratifying that he had no agenda other than to be loving and supportive. This stands out as one of the best conversations he and I have had.

As I continue to come clean with those in my life, I let go of what no longer is nourishing my heart and soul and open the door to more love than I can imagine at this moment.