The people in my life with whom I feel close kinship have a few things in common. They are loving, but also demonstrative of that emotion. They walk the talk in most ways. They understand that love is a verb; an action word. Not just when it is easy or convenient to express, but rather when it is the most difficult. They reach out when they sense something is amiss, offering support. They also reach up to celebrate successes. They acknowledge communication and respond accordingly. They follow through on agreements. They share their thoughts openly and willingly, with a desire to cultivate deeper intimacy. They move past fear of being known. They are reliable and game to respond to questions so that they can get to know themselves better. They exhibit courage to move beyond fears that hold closeness at bay. They listen with the ears of the heart. They are authentic and vulnerable, trusting that they are safe with me, since I give them every reason to think they would be.

That being said, there have been people who have entered my life with whom I have practiced cognitive dissonance and put aside some of the beliefs I mentioned above in the service of maintaining connection. It has put to the test one of the Four Agreements, written by don Miguel Ruiz.

“Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

When I contemplate this paradigm, I ask myself of what benefit are these relationships?  How do we serve each other?  There comes a time when it is best to step back from investing so much energy in interactions that are mostly uni-directional. It doesn’t mean closing anyone out of my heart, since I don’t do that. It means to detach with love and allow these people to be who they are, since it is not my place to expect anyone to live by my standards. Hard lesson to learn, but necessary to be in integrity with myself. When I do that, I allow into my life more people who do walk the talk and are ready, willing and able to walk with me.