“It’s not so much that we’re afraid of change or so in love with the old ways of doing things, but it’s that place in between that we fear. It’s like being between trapezes. There’s nothing to hold on to.” ~ Marilyn Ferguson

In that betwixt and between mode in which I feel like a trapeze artist in mid air. I know I need to let go of the swing I have been on so that I can stretch out and grab the one ahead of me. Doing my best to see it as free flight rather than free fall. Not always easy when in the past nearly two years, I have experienced shingles, a heart attack, kidney stones and adrenal fatigue and as a result, find myself in a mode that looks almost nothing like it had 24 months prior. Back then, I was working full time and then some as a social worker in a psychiatric hospital and after leaving that job to save my own sanity, was employed in an outpatient drug and alcohol rehab. That led to 12 hour + days seeing clients who were in the throes of addiction and then coming home and writing for hours.  Sleep was spotty at best and I used to claim that it was ‘highly over-rated.’ I cheated myself out of vitally needed rest, even forgoing naps, since I thought I wasn’t being productive if I wasn’t active. I worked twice as many hours as I slept some nights. Even the most resilient body (and I thought I had one) rebels when not given the attention it requires.

The next step was to accept a dream into reality job offer as a full time web content writer in the field of mental health and recovery. It was perfect since I could work from home, was in a realm in which I was intimately acquainted, both as a professional and person in recovery from workaholism and co-dependence.  All through out as I marveled at the seeming perfection of this situation, there remained a lingering thought about waiting for the other shoe to drop and that it was too good to be true. I gave it my all and a year and three months later, my premonition manifested as 3/4 of our creative team was laid off due to budget cuts. I took a deep breath and with my characteristic resilience, I applied for other writing jobs. In two weeks, I had secured two others. One I have to this day and the other was sadly short lived when the non-profit site that hired me, didn’t receive the funding that the founder of the company had intended. I have picked up assorted free lance gigs and on a daily basis, am scouring the various job sites for others. In addition, I am gathering speaking jobs, promoting workshops I offer, host my radio show and see assorted clients in a counseling office. I am also co-authoring one book and editing another.  Seems like I am busy, and I wonder how I handled all of this AND my full time jobs.

The trapeze analogy comes into play when I contemplate that over the next few months, I will be traveling and teaching throughout the country….and in the mean time, I am in that vulnerably unsettled space of not knowing how and where I will land. That’s when I engage in dialog with the Divine and the answer is always the same, “Have I ever dropped you? Has anything ever not worked out even better than you imagined?” Sighing, I have had to agree.

I am just smart enough to pick the brains of those with expertise in areas that I don’t have, so I turned to my friend Dan Poor who is a high adrenaline performance athlete, acrobat, gymnast, dancer, trainer, coach who jumps off of high towers into pools of water, sometimes lit on fire. I figured he would have some insight into the symbolic soaring I have been doing.

He says, “The exhilaration of letting go happens when all the pieces leading up to that moment are in place, and the time is right! Trapeze artists, like high divers, make sure all the requisite “lead-ups” can be performed with unconscious competence, that the equipment is reliable, that the mind and body are rested and focused, and that the first attempt at the new skill is performed with an assist from a trusted partner who gives us a “hup”, or “call”, at just the right instant! When all the work has been done, and the moment arrives to let go, the ride truly becomes flight!”

In that spirit, I am embodying that ‘unconscious competence’ that he and I have talked about a lot in which our minds and bodies are so practiced at certain skill, that they instinctively know what to do. I am taking all kinds of leaps of faith and trusting that my safety net is in place and should I fall, will be held and caught and as I have so many times in the past, bounce back and start again. Ready to fly freely.