As happens often these days, I was awake in the wee hours; in this case at 4:44, which according to many who listen to messages from angels, is a time when they are pretty actively wanting to get our attention. They have certainly been getting my attention. Back in 2013, they needed to do a ton of work to call me to mindfulness. Several health crises became wake-up calls that had me making major lifestyle changes. While some of them involved dietary shifts and medication, much of the morphing came in the form of rest when needed, mindfulness, and emotional freedom- meaning freedom to feel it all, when in the past, I squelched and smooshed my emotions, so as not to seem needy or high maintenance. I also deluded myself into believing that I had to ‘keep on keepin’ on and functioning at ever higher levels. That became the bedrock of my addiction of work-aholism. That is likely the only addiction that is encouraged since most cultures are so driven. In Japan, there is actually a word for it: karoshi, which means death by over work. I was clearly on my way to it.

In this moment, as I am writing these words, I marvel at how I was able to keep up the pace. Now, rather than working 12+ hours at a full time job and then coming home and writing, teaching, officiating at ceremonies as a minister and keeping up with things at home and maintaining a social life, I work from home, penning articles such as this one, for various venues. I have the luxury (although it shouldn’t have to be) of providing good self care by going to the gym at a decent hour, rather than 8pm as I had pre-heart attack. I take naps as needed, without feeling as if I am not being productive. Quite the opposite; I have been able to write more fluidly and fluently.

Back a few years ago, I truly believed that doing was the key that would unlock the door to all I wanted. It meant scrambling to get work done, scurrying about to meet the needs of others; some that they would ask for and others I offered, partly out of love and admittedly, partly as a result of wanting to indispensable.

I reference my two states of being as BHA (Before Heart Attack) and AHA (After Heart Attack) 

These are some of my AHA (After Heart Attack) insights:

I do more things because I choose to, rather than thinking that I have to.

I have slowed down enough to let life catch up to me.

I set boundaries more readily.

“No,” has become one of my new favorite words.

I have relinquished responsibility for meeting other people’s needs—whether they are family, friends or clients.

I have almost let go of the attachment to approval and wanting to be loved best of all.

I have forgiven myself for what I can’t change from the past and welcoming do-overs.

I am putting down boulders that I had hauled around for decades; such a relief.

I have divorced myself from the memories to which I was married.

I have become more self compassionate, rather than self critical. Work in progress with that one, for sure.

I am accepting that a broken open heart has more room for love.

I count each day as even more precious, since I have become acutely aware that we never know how many will be granted us.

I am nowhere near as eager to pursue success, and instead, am allowing it to come to me, however it shows up, once I set an intention and then surrender it.

I am feeling abundantly blessed.

I am holding my own heart sacred.

When I am in this state of awareness, I discover that I can allow myself to simply BE, rather than buying into the erroneous belief that I have to do so much to be loved and accepted. This morning, it came to me that in the act of putting out there into the Universe what I desire, I am stirring the energetic soup pot and now what I need to do is ahhhh-low it to simmer; stirring occasionally until it is ready to enjoy.

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