Ask for what you want. Ask again. Once again. Keep on asking. There’s great power in daring to make a request. -Price Pritchett

I received this message this morning from my coach, Lori Ann Davis. She has been my guide for the past eight months on my journey to meet and grow a relationship with the love of my life. As Spring turned to Summer and now Summer to Autumn, approaching the end of 2017, she has seen me through growth and change, stretching comfort zones, expressing my joys and challenges in writing and out loud. A vibrant cheerleader, she has helped me to put down the self-deprecating thoughts and replace them with those that empower me. I have had dates and almost dates. I have let love in an open door and set boundaries that were self-preserving. I have felt frustrated and triumphant.

As a therapist, I encourage my clients to ask for what they want and be open to receive it. Why is so darn difficult for me to do that at times?  It isn’t about worthiness, but rather, not wanting to hear ‘no’.  Who does?  The truth is, no one can give me what I want if I don’t express my needs. I have learned to differentiate between that and ‘ew… ick’ neediness.  There are some who would encourage me to be content with what I had rather than reach for more.

In the shadowy recesses of my mind linger thoughts that I shouldn’t need other people to take care of me. Fiercely independent at times, I would push away assistance when it was offered. Recently, I have willingly accepted hugs, kind words, gifts, quality time, work opportunities, prayers and healing energy. No different than what I give to others without judging them for having simple human desires and requests.

This whole series of ponderings came about as I have stepped out the cell in which I had imprisoned myself. The bars were comprised of stainless steel, solid as a rock. They might as well have the words, “Don’t let people know you are fully human, or they won’t trust you.”  As ridiculous as that might sound, it felt as true as I know my own name. What I have learned is that I more trustworthy when I am transparent.

I also have restricted myself from asking the Universe too many times (whatever that means,) for what I want, imagining God, as an exasperated parent. “How many times does she need to keep badgering me?” Another analogy is “How many times can you mail the same letter?” Sometimes I wonder if it is all just random anyway, and all of my wishes either come true or they don’t.

In this moment, I choose to ask, if not out loud all of the time, at least in my heart.