This morning, like many others, I had a God-versation. My eyes were still closed and my bare feet hadn’t yet touched the sand colored carpet. The Divine and I are intimately acquainted. Sometimes it feels like a monologue in which I am speaking with my Higher Self which is the wisest aspect of the Being incarnated in a human body. Sometimes it feels like a dialogue with the Source of all energy, all manifestation (or as I call it manna-festation, like manna from Heaven) and all blessings. It doesn’t take form, but is, rather, an illuminated essence.

I feel welcome to question, protest, kvetch and ponder. It never turns me away. On the flip side, when I talk to what I perceive as myself, I do feel judged. When someone compliments me on my service, talent, gifts, creativity, success, beauty, kindness….I toggle back and forth between acceptance of their feedback and deflection. Who me? Marianne Williamson’s classic quote is a wakeup call when I get Spiritual Amnesia.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

In the past few days, I have found myself (or rather, lost myself) in doubt about my finances. Not an unusual state for me since as a solopreneur, I am constantly seed planting to keep the garden growing. I am what I call ‘professionally polyamorous,’ as I have many overlapping sources of income. Writer, speaker, social worker, therapist, coach, editor, workshop facilitator and PR Goddess who markets my services and those of others are among a growing number of aspects of my income-generating work. I also do my FREE Hugs, which is a joyful part of my volunteer/service work/ministry.

If you want to eavesdrop on the conversation, here’s what it sounds like:

Me: “When is my life going to be exactly like I want it to be? Can’t we let it be easy?”

Spirit: “Have I ever dropped you? Has life ever not turned out even beautifully, magically, gloriously than even you with your vivid imagination could have conjured? Chill.”

Me: “Sigh.”

It has served me from the first time it began 20 years ago. 1998 was the year I became a widowed single parent of a then 11-year-old son. I kept us in the same house, paying bills by working full time and supplementing with part-time gigs. At this writing, I have only four years left to pay the mortgage! The money I have needed has always been available. A friend reminds me that I ‘live in surplus,’ rather than deficit.  I always have what I need. I do abundance affirmations and listen to Youtube prosperity videos. I surround myself with successful people. I visualize what I desire. I allow myself to have a multitude of feelings since there are times when anger and resentment arise. I tell myself that I ‘should’ be farther along in the process than I am and that the financial flow should be unabated and at a higher level given my education and experience. Then, I feel guilty since others have so much less than I do. Comparison is one of my most challenging issues. What if I was happy where I am and trusting that I will always be splendidly surprised at what opportunities show up, knowing that my needs will always be met magnificently By Divine Design.

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