It occurred to me today that in a month, I will be celebrating my second cardiaversary. In the interceding time since the heart attack, I have opened my heart, stretched comfort zones, allowed myself to be vulnerable, held my own heart sacred, let others in, took down the walls, peeled off the layers to reveal the real, spread my wings and lived my bliss. Scary and exhilarating all at the same time. Opening the anahata…heart chakra is like that.

Far more than mere physiological healing has taken place. Although I have dramatically altered my schedule, diet, exercise and med regimen, an even bigger change has taken place internally. I don’t take the cavalier approach to life as I had before, knowing that it turns on a dime and that it can move rapidly from one extreme to another. Not that I was physically reckless in previous years. Rather, I was unconscious and would often symbolically sleepwalk through my days, counting on an infinite number to follow. Not fearing death then or now. Just honoring that it is awaiting my willingness to take its outstretched hand when the time comes.

Yesterday, as I was taking a walk in Valley Forge Park with my friend Robyn Evans, many of these thoughts were formulating, as if lining up for me to write about them, like the soldiers who were in that encampment during the Revolutionary War. Although, according to the website ushistory.org, no actual battle was fought on those grounds, there was death and disease lurking about. I could clearly feel the residual energy of those who lived and died there and on occasion, could catch a shadow from behind the cabins that remained.

One of Robyn’s hats is that of a hospice chaplain. As we strolled, she shared stories about the patients and their families which she has served over the years. One after the other, were tales of facing fears of dying (not death itself, but the process leading up to it.) Some were accomplished with tears of regret, and others of joy and gratitude. For some, anger was a companion and for others, abundant love. One in particular, remained with me. He had fought in Okinowa  and told her that when he died and met God, he would ask God for an apology for all he had been through and all he had seen in war, saying something like, he couldn’t un-see it. Powerful admission.

Each day brings with it an opportunity to embrace life and the people in it more fully and completely. Putting aside thoughts of ‘not enough,’ has been my challenge lately. It has been that way for years, that no matter what I do, it never seems to match my somewhat insane expectation that I need to be more productive or more loving, understanding or more…..whatever it is I think I am lacking. It is part of what led to the cardiac event in the first place. When I think about the nature of the medical condition, I make a link to the idea that the artery that was fully occluded, was really a metaphor for not allowing free flow of love and acceptance to occur.

In order for me to continue the dance on this earthly plane, I need to both reach and root and keep my heart chakra open, so that when my time comes, I will not have wasted a moment.