His followers were disappointed when the great reformer (or, in Catholic parlance, heretic) Martin Luther discontinued his popular blog Luther at the Movies.

But there is now rejoicing among his flock as Luther is back with a new self-titled Twitter feed found at http://twitter.com/doktorluther .

Now, in the greatest exclusive interview in the history of journalism (or at least this blog), is my exclusive interview with Doctor Luther who sat down with me (a Catholic!) exclusively.  BTW, did I mention the EXCLUSIVITY of this exclusive?!

First of all
welcome back to Cyberspace. You’re Luther
at the Movies blog drew quite a loyal following. What drew you to come back
to life and commenting on our culture – and why did you suddenly stop
commenting?

LUTHER: I was told I would be
compensated for this interview. I must be assured that all monies will be
issued in thalers, as your American dollars aren’t worth the rags they’re
printed on ever since that jackanapes Nixon took you off the gold standard.
Now, as for my blogging career: I was forced to stop due to the machinations of
my nefarious nincompeep of an assistant, whose name shall not be uttered, and
have only now been able to resume commenting owing to no longer being dependent
upon either his assistance or his technology.

What led you to
start commenting again via a Twitter account – and what do you make of the
whole Twitter phenomenon?

LUTHER: It’s idiot-proof and
can be accessed through my Blueberry.

I think you
mean Blackberry.

LUTHER: Do I look like I
care? IT’S FRUIT. As for the “phenomenon,” well, what can I say. It’s
phenomenal. You walked right into that… It’s also the perfect form of amusement
for with the attention span roughly that of a goldfish that has been dead for
three days.

Aside from
Twitter, what do you see as the major forces at work in our culture today?

LUTHER: Fried foods,
asthma-relief medicines, pornography, SPAM, and wacky-looking shoes.

The CBS show #*! My Dad Says is based on a
Twitter feed. Is there a TV show in your future?

LUTHER: The American public
is not ready for me. I am a force of nature. I would send 32% of the viewing
public into therapy and the rest back into therapy. The threat of hellfire
would follow them in their dreams. They would become paralyzed with guilt,
fear, and terror, with the wrath of Gott as real to them as the skin on their
face. And then there would be ice cream.

What does
Luther like on TV? Looking forward to any of the new fall shows?

LUTHER: Ed Sullivan is a
kick. Sid Caesar is very funny. “Make Room for Daddy” is a scream. I do not own
a moving-picture box, so I can only watch what happens to be playing at the
Museum of Radio and Television.

What’s the best
movie out there right now? All-time favorite?

LUTHER: In theaters at the
present time, there’s a lovely little Swabian film called “A Bidet for Danny.”
Heart-wrenching tale of a 12-year-old orphan boy who enters into a life of
crime so he can acquire the materials necessary to build a first-floor bathroom
for an elderly midget. All-time favorite: “Krakatoa, East of Java.” Second
all-time favorite: “Sammy Wong: High School Ninja”–in TOHOSCOPE!

What does
Luther recommend reading?

LUTHER: Luther. Idiot…

What’s on your
iPod?

LUTHER: Pudding. Wait, I’ll
wipe it off…

No, no — what
songs —

LUTHER: Oh, yes, let me
think. Actually, if you go to my former blog, Lutheratthemovies.blogspot.com,
you will see “My Funkytown Playlist” and can listen for yourself. I CAN’T DO
EVERYTHING, STUPID INTERVIEWER PERSON.

Politics? Is
Luther a Democrat, a Republican, or an Independent?

LUTHER: I am a monarchist.
Your current system of government was invented by lunatics, freaks, and
certified public accountants. If I could be king for five minutes I would have
78% of the population locked up and the other 22% put to work building more
jails. The only persons allowed to roam free would be me and this guy Phil.

I see Kelsey
Grammer is following you on Twitter. Are you a fan of his?

LUTHER: Love the Gramster.

You say you’re
looking forward to Sylvester Stallone in The
Expendables VI. How would you end the series?

LUTHER: With Sly issuing a
written apology for “Rocky V.”

What kind of
tree would you like to be?

LUTHER: What kind of human
would you be if you weren’t a pickle?

Do you ever see
a time when all the churches will come together as one?

LUTHER: No.

Do you think
that it’s at least a laudable goal? I mean, a lot of people have blamed you for
breaking apart Christendom–

LUTHER: NOT THIS AGAIN! If
memory serves me correctly, “Christendom” was already fractured–east and west.
That, in 1054–a little before my time. I merely sought to restore the true
meaning of the Gospel to a church in thrall to works righteousness! Is it my
fault if all hell broke loose? I believe something very similar happened at
Corinth after the Gospel was preached there.

What’s in
Luther’s future?

LUTHER: First, I intend on
firing my agent for forcing me to sit through this insipid conversation. And
then I will sit down and finish my new book, “A Heretic’s Handbook.” It is very
ironical.

Have you tried
meeting with the current pope? I’d imagine you’d both have a lot to say to each
other. And you’re both German.

LUTHER: Really? I didn’t know
that. Gee, your research department is just cracker-jack.

Must you always
be so sarcastic?

LUTHER: Yes. Next question.

Would you meet
with the Pope?

LUTHER: Never.

Really? I’m
surprised to hear you say that.

LUTHER: I’m surprised Keith
Richards isn’t dead. I’m surprised Denise Richards ever had a career. I’m
surprised you can count to 10. What can I say? It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world.

Wouldn’t you at
least want to discuss the events of 1517–not to mention your excommunication?

LUTHER: Water under the
bridge. And until I read somewhere that the pope also is lying under a bridge,
I have nothing to say about such matters.

That’s not very
Christian.

LUTHER: Neither is being
pope.

I think we’d
better leave it there.

LUTHER: Leave it wherever you
want. All I know is I’m not picking it up.

Martin Luther,
thank you for your time.

LUTHER: Ah, bite me.