My father is recovering from double pneumonia and gets out of the hospital today, so I’m going to South Carolina this afternoon. I’ll be able to cook, keep Dad from driving himself to the grocery store, and forbid him from getting back on his NordicTrack
too soon. When it comes to fitness, my 91-year-old father is a little like old exercise guru Jack LaLanne (there’s a very funny graphic here if you scroll down); if he can’t stay in perfect shape, he’s going to die trying.

Anyway, last night, Mr. Chattering and I had a here’s-how-to-approximate-everything- I-do talk. It went something like this:

Me: “Okay, I’ve made a big vat of Thai lemon grass soup for the weekend. On Monday, you could buy the boys a lunch at the bagel place and put it in their lockers. Hebrew school is Monday and Wednesday, from four to six.”

“Okay,” Mr. Chattering said, taking notes.

“And you have to remember to move the car for New York street cleaning, or else park the car on the side that’s not going to be cleaned so you don’t get a ticket.”

“What days do you do that?”

“Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.”

“Eeech.”

“Don’t I have a terrible life?”

“YES! Now, what about the lizard?” he asked.

“I think we are fine on the crickets we have. The parakeets you only have to attend to every other day. Same for gerbils. There are only two fish left in the tropical tank, so feed them only a tiny amount. Chester’s raw dog food is in the freezer.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“Make sure Joe does two pages of his spelling workbook over the weekend. And get the boys to put their clothes in the hamper. Be forceful on that. Oh–and Gordon only likes one of his pairs of pants.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t worry, you only have to wash them every other day. But vacuum under the bird cage every day if you can. I think for you, getting up and getting dressed, walking the dog, and fixing the boys a breakfast will be the biggest challenges. Maybe go to bed when the kids go to bed. Otherwise Baby, you are sunk!“

“This may drive me to start meditating.”

“Oh, if it did, that would be great.”