Last Sunday the Chattering clan gathered at my in-laws’ suburban home to celebrate the birthday of Mr. Chattering’s father Martin. Near the table was a vat of caffeine-free, sugar-free Diet Coke. As our eleven-year-old son lunged for that bottle like a man stranded on a desert isle, I calmly asked my mother-in-law what else she had to drink. At this, my son looked at me as if to say, “You are soooo MEAN!” In fact, he might have said as much.

My mother-in-law had juice, milk and seltzer in her fridge, but she also had Classic Coke. “Give him the Real Thing,” I told her. We were celebrating, after all. At that, our boy gleefully poured himself a large glass.

Mr. Chattering turned to me and said, “I do not understand your world view. You’d prefer the caffeine and sugar of real Coke to…”

“To something artificially sweetened? Yes!” I said. But now I’m wondering what you, my holistically spiritual readers, would have done had you been in my place. Would you have announced that no product of Coca-Cola’s would ever brush the pristine lips of your offspring? Or would you have allowed your son to chug the Aspartame? I used to police everything my kids ingested. As they get older, though, I let them grapple with choices. Artificially sweetened drinks, however, are still on my no-no list.

Why? The history of artificial sweeteners is so laden with financially-lucrative lab accidents, rushed decisions and seemingly bad white men who play golf, that I really can’t support that industry in any way, even as it seeks “healthier” compounds, an oxymoron if there ever was. In my opinion, artificial sweeteners are especially harmful to perpetual dieters who constantly drink faux-sweet beverages instead of eight cleansing glasses of filtered water a day. (In most locales, I actually think tap water is okay, though I do balk at hotel taps; the words “old piping” often haunt me as I stand in the provided terry robe, thirsty and torn.)

Oh dear, I’m up on a soapbox, chattering away. Here’s Whole Foods’ explanation of why it doesn’t stock products containing the artificial sweetener Sucralose. Here’s a more scientific history of the search for artificial sweeteners. And here’s a nice, detailed paper on healthier options (stevia, barley malt, fruit juice, etc.), that says it’s best to rotate sweeteners, instead of relying on one thing all the time.