Yesterday in the car, 12-year-old Chattering Son One said, “I don’t like ________[a boy at school]. He’s mean and cynical.”

At first, I beamed at the use of the word “cynical” since I’d never heard him use it before. Then, I inwardly resonated–because I don’t warm to this kid either.

But instead of saying, “Yeah, that guy IS a turkey,” I tried to help my son comprehend the depths of this child’s suffering by sharing details of his family life to which I was privy. But my son already knew. Oh, okay. Now what? A wave of helplessness fell over me because the mere contemplation of another’s hardship seems so antiquated-ly liberal (remember I sprang from Republican parents). I mean, shouldn’t folks, even young people, be accountable for their rotten behavior? A part of ultra-accepting, progressive me falls back into dividing all human beings into two groups: those who are worthy, and those who are not.

So, what should I do to help my son to NOT model the worst of me?

I advised him not to put energy into disliking the boy in question, but to instead notice the boy’s behavior and sit with whatever comes up. Just notice. Maybe a part of my son is disowning this other fellow’s attributes. Maybe the other boy owns my son’s shadow.

We vowed to stay in touch with the feelings and talk more about this later.

What do you do when you find yourself hating someone’s guts?