“Reacher” star Alan Ritchson is opening up about his battle with bipolar disorder and his previous suicide attempt. In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Ritchson reflected on a mental breakdown he had years ago, calling it an “existential crisis.” The actor, 41, said that he found himself in a dark place in 2019 around the time he was in postproduction on Dark Web: Cicada 3301, which he co-wrote, directed, produced and starred in. Ritchson said he was stuck in bed for weeks. “My wife and kids were concerned, and I could see confusion in their eyes. Nobody knew what was wrong,” he told the outlet, revealing that it got so bad that he went into his attic to end his life. “I hung myself. It all happened so fast, and I was dangling there.” What saved Ritchson was a vision he had of his sons, who are now 11, 10 and 8 years old, from the future when they were in their 30s. In the vision, Ritchson said his boys “calmly asked me not to do it, and told me that they wanted me to be here, alive and part of their lives.” After seeing the vision of his boys, Ritchson was able to pull himself up, where he immediately called a doctor. “I was diagnosed as bipolar right after,” he said, receiving the diagnosis at age 36. The actor was also later diagnosed with ADHD at age 40. “Deep down, I was comforted to know, ‘OK, there’s a name for this.’”

After a few dark months and on the his journey with bipolar disorder, one of Ritchson’s friends recommended he try MDMA, a drug commonly known as Ecstacy. “I had never done drugs but I was truly, like, ‘Well, I might kill myself tomorrow, what do I have to lose?’ So, I did it. I swear to God, the biggest light bulb went off, and it rewired my brain in the best way,” he said. “MDMA is a proven therapy to treat PTSD in veterans, and it’s something that can work in cognitive therapy settings.” He continued, “I loved it and wanted to do it every day. But, for me, for a year or two, it became like therapy. It allowed me to write and be productive. Thankfully, I was able to move past it.” The actor was able to stop taking the drug and rely on other things to help his mental health. “I came out of that whole thing asking myself, ‘OK, if I am going to choose to be alive here — a decision we all make, some to a greater degree than others — what am I doing? Why am I here?’” he recalled. “What I kept falling back on was the meaning and purpose of life as someone who believes that there is a creator and we are created beings, our purpose in life is, without qualification, to make the world a better place and serve others. That is what life is all about. Being bipolar has wreaked havoc on my life many, many times. I would wish it away if I could, but it’s so much a part of who I am now that I should celebrate it a little or, at least, accept it,” Ritchson told the outlet. “Mental health is an everyday conversation for me,” he added.