A little while ago, I lost my voice. My words. The expressions that represent the symphony in my heart.

When you lose something valuable, you search for it. You’ve probably been there and done that, and know the feeling. You look everywhere. Unless, of course, you don’t realize it’s missing. You go on doing what you do but eventually, at some point, you realize it’s gone.

My words are my story, my song, about life and love and hope. They’re unique to me. Depression muted my words or turned them dark and nasty. I fought hard and long to get my words back. The ones that tell me I am good, loved and loveable.

I struggled to find those words in the darkness of that pit of hellish despair I had thrown myself into. Often I was misled and listened to words that made me try to kill myself. But despite those near death experiences, I kept searching. Until I finally found two of my words. Love. Hope.

Like anything precious, I kept love and hope close to my heart. Carried them through the darkness until I saw the light from those words and let it seep into me. I continued to fill my world with that light and positive words.

But the darkness never truly goes away. It came back a while ago. It crushed against my chest, clouded the light, and spoke dark and nasty words. I fought the darkness, not wanting to be pushed too far back into it. I convinced myself I was doing a good job keeping it at bay. But my words went missing. Not all of them, just the important ones. The ones that told me I was good, loved, and loveable.

So I searched for them. I looked inside myself. Then I looked outwards. People are kind, and they gave me new words that spoke soul to soul. Healing words. Words that reached out and gave hugs in the absence of physical contact.

Then suddenly I heard my words again. They weren’t lost. They never left me. They were where I keep them. And they had been enveloped with me in the darkness. 

My words are back and like most who suffer with depression, I need to listen to those positive words. Words of hope and love. Losing them doesn’t mean you won’t find them again or they’re gone forever. Reach out. Tell someone you’re suffering. Cling to their positive words until you recover yours.

There are lots of great organizations that can help you if you’re not handling your regression, or are thinking about ending your life. Please reach out for help.  xoxo T.F.

In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Twitter:  @tereziafarkas #selfcare #healing #suicideprevention