The loneliness of depression is real. It’s as painful as any physical pain. Loneliness comes from abandonment by friends and family. It’s the feeling that you are completely alone in the world. That no one cares for you. If you were to die today, no one would notice, care, or miss you.
One of the hardest things about depression is loneliness.
One of the hardest things about depression is loneliness. At first you feel like there are too many people around you, asking questions, wanting to know how they can help. But that starts getting less and less. People stop asking if they can help. They stop phoning, coming over to visit, or chatting with you at work. Maybe you don’t mind at first. But soon you start noticing their silence.
Slowly you feel isolated. Though your friends and family ask if they can help, they cannot share or understand your despair. Your pain is a deep well no one wants to look into. No one can share your sorrow, pain, or fear.
When people stop coming, loneliness sets in.
Depression is caused by many things. In the case of a loved one’s death, grief can settle into depression. While the death of a loved one is fresh, people are all around you. People want to help you grieve. They call, offer help, send cards, and bring meals. Their care helps ease the razor-sharp pain. For a while.
But then people stop showing up. There are no more meals. The phone is strangely silent. And the mailbox is empty.
No one knows what to say. They aren’t sure what to ask. So mostly they say nothing.
Sometimes that’s fine. It’s hard to talk about pain. You don’t want pity, or the question, “How are you?”
You don’t know how to answer such a question. You really don’t know how you feel. Part of you is crushed. You’ll never be the same again. Your life is radically altered.
But another part of you wants your normal life. A return to the familiar. To blend into the crowd. But you are alone. You feel it.
I don’t know what to do.
“I don’t know what to do,” is a common thought with the loneliness of depression. Who do I call? Who can I reach out to that still wants to talk with me?
I feel like a pariah, an outcast in my own family. I am despised and rejected by those who once called me friend, sister, lover. I am alone and I feel that empty, bitter, heart breaking void that seems to fill the very air about me.
On the other hand, I want to be grateful for the bit of support I still feel from my family and friends. On the best of days, I can see and appreciate all of their efforts. But on the worst of days, I feel frustrated and angry. Don’t they know what I want? Can’t they read the signs? Why can’t they figure out what would make me feel better? Because I honestly don’t know what I want, or what will or can make me feel better.
I go forward, lonely and despairing.
So I go forward in life, lonely and despairing. Emotional pain has torn me from my loved ones. Depression has built an invisible wall between me and all those people I see drifting by in life. While those people enjoy life, I feel nothing, nothing of the amazing world that is around me. I am cocooned inside the darkness.
If you are feeling the loneliness of depression, please try to tear open a bit of your cocoon. As tough as it, reach out to one person. Even if its a stranger sitting beside you, or a neighbour. Reach out to the world you think you’re no longer a part of. It can be an amazing, loving, hopeful place.
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
Find me on Twitter @tereziafarkas
Visit my website http://www.tereziafarkas.com
Read Previous Post
