Every year around this time, I am asked by media to talk about how difficult it is to be with family. Getting together over a holiday with family members who don’t get along most of the year can be stressful. But perhaps, rather than pulling out the stops to finally confront those family members who upset you, the focus should be on building positive memories. After all, this is the only family you will ever have, so why not try to infuse the  holidays with some fun. I realize, family problems don’t go away during the holidays, but we can choose to do things to build positive memories

In talking with problematic families, they tell me they have no traditions regarding how to have fun or how to create great memories. Usually, this requires some thought before you arrive at someone’s house. You have to intentionally build traditions. And millennials tell me that they would like more traditions in their families.

For example, no one except the older generation in our family goes bowling. But we built a fun tradition over the years by going bowling after the big family dinner. Young to old could participate. And because so many of us are truly terrible bowlers, it was even more fun–no pressure, just throw the ball at a bunch of pins and laugh a lot at each other.

Some families go outside for walks or play a friendly flag football game. Others create a scavenger hunt for kids and grow ups. For the fitness minded, a Turkey Trot race can involve family members. Board games can be fun with several groups playing cards or a game like Scrabble.

If you feel less ambitious, watch old family videos or browse through photo albums, This will focus you on good times and memories.

And finally, if your family struggles to have a good time together, organize a volunteer activity. Go to a shelter and serve meals, deliver food to shut ins, visit a nursing home, or have international students to your home for the meal. Giving to others will move the focus off the family issues and onto others.

The point here is to begin to build positive memories and turn the feeling of dread around. By intentional creating activities for the family, people can interact in positive ways so that next year, there is something to look forwarded to–a time of getting together, creating traditions and memories.