When Ashley came to therapy, she had one question. What does it take to have a healthy relationship? She was tired of dating men with “issues.” And her last three relationships didn’t end well. What did she need to do or look for in terms of finding a life partner?

#1: Ashley needed a good understanding of herself. What does she want in a man? What are her values and standards? A strong self-identity brings a healthy person to a relationship. She needed to be confident in her own skin. Confidence attracts a healthy person. Ashley realized her insecurities often led her to give in to things she didn’t want to do. Or, out of desperation, she compromised her standards. In the end, she wasn’t happy and ended the relationship. Thus, her first step to attracting a healthy man was to work on the “I” to bring to the “we.”

#2: Ashley needed a man who could handle conflict. And she needed to see him do it. Too many of Ashley’s relationships moved along fine until a major issue presented. Then, she saw the problem. One of her past partners exploded with anger. Another refused to talk about problems. Ashley knew she had to date a person long enough to see how he dealt with problems. For a  relationship to be successful, a person needs to have good conflict management skills because conflict is inevitable in all relationships. Look for this skill.

#3: Ashley realized she cannot change a person. One of Ashley’s crush boyfriends had a lot of red flags. But Ashely thought over time, she could change him. Unfortunately, she learned the hard way. An angry person is still angry when you marry him; someone who disrespects you may pour on the charm temporarily but will still disrespect. In the end, hoping to change a partner doesn’t ends well. If there is much to change, change relationships!

#4: Ashley had a boyfriend who intrigued her, but could not communicate. He was mysterious. At first, this made him more interesting. However, as time went on, she was frustrated with his lack of communication. He would’t talk to her about what bothered him or was on his mind. She knew this was a problem and tried to get him to open up. She even suggested he get therapy. Eventually, she had to end the relationship. Someone who can’t talk things out would frustrate her over time. Make sure you find someone who can be vulnerable and share their heart.

#5: Ashley wanted to be a priority. One of the most difficult relationships Ashley had was with a man who didn’t put her first. Even though she loved him, his priorities were his friends and hobbies. He spent hours on the golf course on weekends and rarely had time for her. She knew this was a problem. Even when she confronted him about spending more time together, he didn’t do it. It was time to put that relationship in the past. A healthy relationship is all about making each other a priority.