Anger is rampant in our culture. And it doesn’t seem like it takes much to be on the receiving end of an angry tweet, text or call. People get triggered easily and often.

Anger is an intense emotion that when not controlled, leads people to yell, curse and say or do things they may regret. When we are angry, we don’t think well. However, behind those red-hot feelings are thoughts that contribute to this emotional state. “He always…How dare she.. I can’t believe…He should…It’s not fair..” These thoughts have much to do with prompting angry feelings.

Why? Because thinking influences feeling. And thoughts come into our minds for many reasons. One reason is that we demand or expect things from others.  Then, when we don’t get what we expect or demand, we feel angry. But feeling angry doesn’t solve anything. It doesn’t lead to a nice resolution between two people. In fact, angry thoughts cause more tension and lead to conflict.

So instead of expecting people to behave “the right way,” (good luck with that!) try changing your thoughts. This is the part you control. For example, say to yourself, “I wish I could control people but I can’t. I did what I could so either I find a different solution or drop it. It’s not worth ruining my day over this.” You can acknowledge your disappointment, but don’t rev yourself up with negative thoughts of revenge, injustice, helplessness or drama. Those thoughts will keep you in anger.

Anger can also be a cover for hurt or disappointment. The emotion of anger feels less vulnerable and more powerful than admitting hurt. Thus, people become angry to avoid a more vulnerable feeling. In reality, people let us down, life isn’t fair and we may expect more than we get. But is the response of anger going to help us? Does it make us better people?

When you think angry thoughts, ruminate on your demands and think about the way you were offended, you sustain angry thoughts and continue the emotion of anger. In order to calm down,  check your thoughts. Are they negative? Are you taking things personally, ignoring the positive, demanding perfection, or responding to unfairness in situations that can’t be changed? Whatever is promoting your anger, you can change your thought to help control your emotion. The point is to recognize  anger, but not focus on thoughts that intensify it.

In addition, to changing your thoughts, maybe you need to let go of offense, forgive someone or calm down your physical body so you can think clearly. All of this helps get rid of angry thoughts.

I am not saying anger is wrong, but lingering in anger and fanning that emotions leads to problems. One way you stop this is to change your thoughts which in turn change your feelings. Next time, you become angry, check your thoughts. Then work to replace angry thoughts with something more reasonable, calm or positive. Give it and try and see if it works. It does take intention.