A friend was telling me she recently had a difficult conversation. As she prepared to respond, she determined to approach this conflict rationally and calmly. But the minute he questioned her competence, she lost it. Her rational approach went out the window and she became incensed.

 Thinking stopped as she became defensive. At the end of the confrontation, she felt defeated. “I did not want to get angry and lose it, but I did. Why did that happen? I thought I could handle this problem.” Then she added, “I hate it when I get so emotional that I lose my train of thought. That guy pushes my buttons!”

There are so many ways people can push our buttons. And when it happens, we lose our rational thinking and become irrationally defensive just like my friend did. We fight back rather than work to resolve the confrontation.

Our default reaction of defensiveness only escalates the problem. The reason for this has to do with how our mind works. The part of the brain responsible for detecting threat is the amygdala. That part immediately activates when we become defensive. Now a conflict isn’t a physical threat, but the brain can be triggered to think it is.

David Rock of the NeuroLeadership Institute sheds light on why this happens. He identifies 5 key areas that can ruffle our feathers using the SCARF Model:

1. Status — issues that relate to our sense of importance to others or our personal worth
2. Certainty — our ability to predict the future
3. Autonomy — our sense of control over events and life
4. Relatedness — how safe we feel with others
5. Fairness — how fairly we perceive exchanges between people to be

When one of these buttons is pushed and upset us, the trigger pushes our brain into fight or flight. We feel like we have to win the argument. So, it’s no longer about working through a conflict, rather it’s now about being right. The feeling part of our brain comes online while the thinking part goes offline.

During a conflict then, your brain is ready to protect you from threat. The key is to recognize these triggers and manage them. Bring your thinking brain back online.

Take another look at the list above. Which of those areas are your main triggers? Once you recognize the triggers that most often inflame you, the better you can prepare for a confrontation with an intentional goal not to escalate the conflict.

One good way to do this is to label the emotion you feel. For example, “I feel belittled.” Just that process of labeling re-engages the thinking brain.

You can also ask for a quick time-out moment. Pause, breathe, and tell yourself, “There is no real danger here!” At that moment, the threat is not real. Pray for self-control and calm as you proceed. Prayer is meditation and helps calm you. Close your eyes, focus on your body or even a Scripture. When you do this, your empathy returns, and you are more likely to find solutions that work.

Finally, distract your brain from retaliation, like telling a negative story about the person and their attempts to derail you. Just listen for the problem and think of how to solve it.

I am not saying this is easy, but practice will help. Review this solution recipe, over and over:

1. Label your feeling
2. Pause and physically calm down. Breathe, meditate
3. Suspend your judgment of the person and listen for the real issue

With practice you will be able to stay calm in conflict.