When the Spice Girls sang, “Tell me what you want, what you really really want,” no one was thinking this was a reference to emotional intelligence. Yet, being able to clearly articulate what you want is an important relationship skill. In fact, it is a sign of emotional intelligence.

If you can clearly communicate what you need, you have a better chance of getting that need met. This means you have to be articulate. So, what trips us up when we try to be articulate — especially, during conflict? Our lack of emotional regulation. When emotions run high, we can’t think clearly and say what we mean. For example, have you ever walked away from a conflict and thought, “I knew what I wanted to say, but didn’t? Chances are you were sidelined by your emotions.

So before a conflict or making a persuasive argument, know what you want to say. Then, practice ways to keep your emotions from escalating. Breathe! It helps you calm down. Also, examine your thoughts. To do this, don’t assume the negative. Give people the benefit of the doubt until they prove you wrong. Too often, our negative self-talk prompts negative feelings which then cause us to lose track of our point and become highly emotional.

Next, ask questions. A rule of thumb is for every declarative statement someone makes, ask two questions. This signals interest in what the person is saying and gives you more information as to why they think the way they do. Don’t assume, ask.

Then listen. People tend to fill in the gaps of silence with words. Instead of being comfortable with silent moments to pause and think during a conversation, the average person can tolerate about 4 seconds of silence. But when you just talk because silence feels awkward, you often say more than you wanted to. The emotionally intelligent person pauses and listens. They really want to understand and will say, “Tell me more.” The more you understand a person, the better you can address their concerns and then, yours.

Finally, find a way to be memorable to the person you engage. Make an impression on them in a positive way. Whatever you are trying to impress upon them, communicate in multiple ways. This might involve humor or something that is calming like walking in nature during a conflict.

Bill Murthy, Jr., a contributing editor at Inc. com, tells the story of how his friend, his tax preparer, persuaded him to get his taxes prep done early given his history of procrastination. The friend’s tactic to persuade on-time tax preparation involved a Bible. The friend told Bill that he was sending him something in the mail. A few days later, a Bible arrived. Once the package was delivered, the friend called Bill and asked him to put his phone on speaker. He then instructed Bill to put his hand on the Bible and swear to do his taxes on time. The result? Bill did his taxes on time! The experience was so memorable, it persuaded Bill to do the task. And the communication involved multiple ways to get his attention.

So the next time you want to influence or persuade to get your needs met, use your emotional intelligence. Stay calm so you can think clearly. Articulate what you want to say. Ask questions. Listen to the concerns raised and make the interaction memorable.