Have you ever thought about the way couples are portrayed in most situational comedies? Typically we have the “I don’t have a clue” husband whose wife is constantly telling him what to do or reminding him what he needs to do. While we may laugh at this comedy routine, there is nothing funny about it in real life couple relationships.

Nagging is a relationship killer. The word “Nag”  is actually derived from the Scandinavian word “to gnaw.” That doesn’t sound pleasant! It isn’t because nagging gnaws away at a relationship. It typically leads to a person feeling picked on, incompetent and undermined.

Nagging works this way. You make a request, the request is ignored and you make it again. But the more you badger the person to do what you want, the more he or she withdraws. Repeated asking doesn’t work. It usually ends in more distance between a couple. Yet many couples are locked into this pattern.

Now, let’s be honest. We all nag.  From time to time. Sometimes it happens because we are anxious about something and want to make sure it gets done. Other times, we are critical of the other person and feel a need to tell them to comply, a bit more forcefully. But the most dangerous nagging is based on feelings of hostility and contempt. And that type of nagging usually ends in emotional distance.

Dr. Markman at the University of Denver’s Center for Marital and Families Studies found  that when couples start fighting about nagging and not issues that created it, they are in danger of divorce. Nagging is on the pathway to divorce; it’s part of an overall negative communication pattern.

So if you find yourself nagging and the other person ignores you, stop the pattern. You’re probably moving toward completely lost love.

Here are a few tips to stop the pattern:

1. Listen to the tone of your voice. Check your body language. If the tone is harsh and your body is tense, you are about to nag. Instead, begin a request with a softened tone and relaxed stance.
2. Figure out what is behind the nagging. Are you afraid you won’t get what you want from your partner? Are you overloaded with too much to do? Are you overly obsessive about things getting done immediately?Are you expecting your partner to think and be like you? What really motivates the nag?
3. Consider your differences. Are you a Type A living with a Type B? Do the two of you see the need for speed or getting things done differently? A better way is accommodate each other’s differences. Stop expecting people to always do what you want when you want it.
4. When you start to nag, stop and take a time-out to regroup. Calm down and think about what you are saying. Can you say it in a different way? If you feel highly aroused, breathe and wait. Then, once you are more relaxed, come back to the conversation or request.
5. Instead of repeating a request, ask questions to better understand what is blocking it from getting done. This takes more time, but it doesn’t have the same negative effect on your relationship. Now you’re engaging rather than combatting.
6. Nagging may be a result of not trusting your partner. A conversation about trust becomes important to stop the behavior.
7. When something isn’t getting done exactly the way you want, instead of focusing on the disappointment, think about why you appreciate your partner.  This shift from disappointment to gratitude will stop the pattern. Appreciate more! People will never meet our every expectation.
8. Often, nagging is a result of poor communication and unclear expectations. Have a conversation about expectations and make them realistic. This means you may have to negotiate you truly need.
9. Don’t jump to conclusions. Often we get triggered in relationships from things that happened in the past. Then we project those negative feelings on to our partner. When actually, their intent was not what we thought. If you are unsure about a motivation, ask, don’t assume.
10. When you are disappointed, practice forgiveness. Talk about what happened and how you felt. Then let it go. Forgiveness keeps the heart soft, tender and open to reconciliation.

Understanding what prompts you to nag, may help you take a different approach. You and your partner can talk about these issues. Also consider, does nagging actually work? If not, it is probably setting up a negative cycle of communication that will lead to resentment and pulling away from each other.