Question: “My husband is really selfish. I see how my friend’s husband is always offering his help and is concerned about how she is doing. He seems more generous to her. Is selfishness a genetic thing? Is my husband’s personality more prone to this?

This is an interesting question since early in life we see difference in selfishness among toddlers. For example:

Two toddlers are at play: Timmy hands his truck to his friend, “Here you can play with it.”

But Ricky hangs on to that truck for dear life and says. “No it is mine!”

Is the difference genetic? Does the toddler who says.” This is mine,” grow up to be more selfish?

In an Israeli study reported in the Wall Street Journal, researchers found that kids who didn’t share had a gene variation in common. The gene, AVPRIA, regulates a hormone in the brain associated with social behaviors like sharing. The noted genetic variation was associated with an unwillingness to share.

But don’t get too worried by this finding because altruism or sharing, seems to be more controlled by environment and learning. Sharing and generosity can be cultivated with positive reinforcement. The more you reinforce sharing and altruistic behavior, the more it comes out in people. Consequently, generosity can be habit forming and learned. Engaging in generosity engages the reward circuits of the brain and releases feel good transmitters. Then, as a child grows older, those experiences continue to grow and be reinforced.

On the other hand, being self-absorbed is a marker of poor emotional intelligence. It can be learned as a child if the child lives in a home in which his or her feelings, thoughts and needs are not recognized or met. When this happens, the child looks out for himself/herself and does not tune into the needs of others. That basic safety need is not met and can lead to self-focus.  The good news is that a  person can increase his or her emotional intelligence and learn to share. They can also learn to be more empathetic.

Back to our wife’s question-Can selfishness be changed? Here are a few ways to encourage less selfishness in a relationship:

1. Talk about the environment in which a person was raised. Did he feel known, cared for and heard? Or was he  always looking out for himself? How does he think this may have impacted him?
2. Praise his character when he shares or shows signs of goodness, empathy or care for others. The more you reinforce sharing and empathy, the more it will occur.
3. Encourage sharing and activities that benefit others and talk about how others feel. Proverbs 11: 25 says, “A generous person will prosper;
   whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.” There is personal benefit for being generous.
4. Talk about how you feel when he behaves selfishly. Then, pray for a heart turned towards others, Psalm 119:36-“Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain.” This is a prayer both partners can pray.
5. Discuss the consequences of selfish behavior on the relationship-not in a defensive way, but a reality of how that behavior wears on a relationship. Selfishness does not bring growth to intimacy.
6. Model sharing and concern for others, show him the way.
7. Have a daily gratitude conversation–what are 3 things each of you can name? This gratitude exercise changes the focus away from self and towards others.
8. Discuss the biblical concept of humility and verses like, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3)
9. In a love relationship use 1 Corinthians 13 as your guide, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (vs 4-5)
10. Consider couple counselor to help point out the behavior and change the pattern. Again, selfish behavior can be changed with awareness, intention, prayer and willingness.