Have you ever noticed this scene: A couple is out dining in a nice restaurant. Most of the evening, they don’t talk to each other. Instead, they are on their phones not interacting at all.  I have seen this so many times.  No conversation with their partner right across the table.  To me, that signals a problem. The phone–a mere object–has their attention more than their partner does.

Distraction could be a sign of boredom. But what is behind that distraction? Why is the person more interested in an inanimate object than a person? Could this be a sign of checking out? Or maybe relationship boredom? If the reason is boredom, you need to start talking about this and not allow it to disconnect you from your person. Otherwise, it is tempting to find needed emotional connection elsewhere. And looking outside the relationship for intimate excitement is dangerous on every level.

A survey by a group called Lasting found only 34% of married people believed their marriage had a healthy emotional connection.Yet emotional connection is essential to keep a marriage sustained. Thankfully, you can improve emotional connection skills: things like listening, validating how your partner feels, asking open-ended questions, etc. These are easy ways to connect on an emotional level.

Then, make a conscious decision to actually put effort into your relationship. Taking a person for granted does not help. So, start by noticing how much time and attention you give your partner. Like I said, put down your device and pay attention to the person with whom you do life.

To shake up boredom, consider doing something new. Novelty stimulates dopamine, a neurotransmitter that brings pleasure and the feelings of reward. Novelty is good for the brain and good for relationships. So what is something novel you can do? It doesn’t have to cost money. Things like finding a new bike trail, a picnic in your backyard, cooking a new recipe together–you get it, cheap and new.

But consider this. Could you be spiritually restless and confusing that with boredom? Are you looking to things to satisfy your boredom and have wandered from the things of God and intimacy with him? Professor and blogger, Jared Wilson wrote, “When we are bored, it can only be because we have stopped looking at Jesus. He can’t be boring. If we find him boring, it’s because we are boring. The deficiency is ours, not his.” He’s making a point we all need to consider. When we don’t give our attention and affection to Christ, we’re really saying, “God, you’re not enough. I need something more.” The same is true of our marriage relationships. We stop giving our attention and affection to our spouse and indicate that  we need something more. This leads to boredom and potentially sin. Boredom can cause our minds to stray and to look at things other than God and His perspective on our relationships.

Barry Corey, president of Biola University, wrote a blog on the virtue of boredom a few years ago. He defined boredom as “creating uninterrupted space without ‘connectivity’ to nurture relationships with ourselves, with others, with God.’ He thinks we may stay more connected to devices in order to not miss out—the old FOMO effect. Instead, we need conversations that build empathy and real connection. And boredom can be due to excessive self-focus. What do I need to feel better versus what does my relationship need to be more intimate?

So what to do if you struggle with relationship boredom?

1. Normalize boredom, to a degree. Our culture is saturated with the message that marriages need to spiced up: kinky, or full of drama. Watch any relationship movie. The message is that unless our relationships are filled with action, intense passion and drama, you must do something to save it before it ends in divorce. Honestly? You probably don’t need more excitement. You need more attention to the person in your relationship. Boredom is normal in a relationship and should not be viewed as a sign of relationship failure, but rather a chance to really think about your intimacy.
2. Talk to your partner about your concerns of just going through the motions and not really connecting with each other. Prioritize your relationship. Get rid of distractions and connect with the person you chose to marry. Make time for each other and add novelty to the equation. Get out of the routine and do something new every once in awhile.
3. Lose the self-focus . Instead, find new ways to serve in your relationship. Think about the needs of the relationship not just your own. What can you do to make things interesting?. Often, this includes continuing to develop yourself as a person. Have interests and hobbies that add interest to your life in general and can be shared with another.
4. Remember why you chose your partner. What attracted you in the first place? Then work to grow even more intimate by sharing experiences and common interests. This may mean committing to a date night or carving out time to do something together on a regular basis.
5. Grow your intimacy with Christ who must be at the center of your relationship. Your intimacy with God will greatly improve your intimacy with your partner. Certainly, God is not boring. There is much to discover when it comes to His mysteries, love and care for you. Embark on a Bible study together or a time of reading and reflection.